| The Apprentice 2 comes to Salem! |
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| THUMP My name is Thump and I am the richest, most obnoxious man in the world. I build the biggest buildings, marry the most beautiful women, and handle billions of dollars, never once bowing to international pressure to change my hairstyle. Starting once a week in September, I am gonna evaluate the corporate performance of the men and women in Salem, to decide who gets to stay on my corporate team. Every week someone is gonna get their ass fired. There can be only one winner in the end! By the way, in case you're wondering how I got off Stefano's Island after last season, it was easy - I paid him in gold bars. Read on to find out who got fired this week ... December 16, 2004 THUMP So we're down to just two candidates - John and Marlena. Let me tell you what I think of both of your styles. Marlena, ever since you were the Salem stalker, not many people have liked you. John, you don't really do much but your ISA background impresses me. What have you got to say for yourselves? MARLENA I was at the top of my class and I also am a top psychologist ... THUMP I know. John, what have you got to say for yourself? JOHN Not much. Dunno. Never been verbal. THUMP Now's the time to fight so say something. JOHN Where's muh storyline these days? Lemme outta this damn bed! Hey, are you the Grim Reaper? THUMP You don't sound impressive but I like your quiet style. Besides, I want to suck up to the ISA big time so I can head that up someday too and negotiate a peace plan between the DiMeras and the rest of the world. Therefore, I gotta listen to what all my old boy associates say ... MARLENA, YOU'RE FIRED! JOHN, YOU'RE HIRED! TONY You've got your bloody nerve thinking you could actually negotiate a peace plan between the DiMeras and the world! I would never listen to a thing that you in all your pathetic Thumpness ever had to say! JOHN And that's a fact! Matter of fact, I don't accept yer offer, Thump, and YOU'RE FIRED! THUMP You can't fire me! MARLENA Oh yes we can! We just bought out your contract so now you work for us. Er, that is, you did work for us. THUMP You cannot afford to buy out my contract! JOHN Nope, but when we band together, we can all do anything we put our minds to. TONY It is called teamwork. Now, about redecorating this office ... I think I shall put father's picture over there ... THUMP I want a lawyer - now! MARLENA Well then maybe you shouldn't have fired her too! JOHN Doc, how'd ya like to go dancin' at Tuscany? I fired Bonnie so it's back. MARLENA Why, I thought you'd never ask! December 9, 2004 THUMP I just want you to know that this is the most luxurious office in the world and none of you will ever have one like it. Are we on the air yet? Ok. (pouts) Well, we're down to the last four candidates - Marlena, Bonnie, Patrick and John. JOHN Where the hell did the rest of 'em go?! THUMP They talked when I didn't tell them to so the rest have all been fired. I need to fire people on a daily basis, you see. It's a tick I have. Back to business ... Bonnie, you have nothing to offer. Why shouldn't I fire you? BONNIE Look here mister, I been on my own a long time and I know the ropes! I'm way better than that Marlena Evans Black! THUMP The viewers don't seem to think so. MARLENA I studied hard to become a psychologist and the resident heroine of Salem ... BONNIE Everything was handed to you on a silver platter! Boo! Hiss! THUMP That was uncalled for. Marlena has a nicer voice than you and besides, she has never had a bad hair day. Therefore, BONNIE, YOU'RE FIRED! BONNIE Well, you can kiss my grits! THUMP Patrick, you too are a waste of space these days and you have no real direction ... PATRICK Just a minute! I thought you already fired John so why is he here? THUMP I only fired him before to prove I wasn't a sexist jerk after firing Billie when she lost the photos of gals in tight jeans but now I don't care so I hired him back. Plus - get this - I was the mystery man injecting his IV with THUMP Serum till he agreed to come back. JOHN Uh got a bad headache, doc. Where the hell am I? Thought it was an ISA meeting ... THUMP Ahem. As I was saying, Patrick you don't stick with anything. PATRICK, YOU'RE FIRED! PATRICK Thank you for this opportunity, Mr. Thump. The best thing was that I met Billie. We're dating now. We fell in love at the cemetery. She'll be back from her trip to Europe with her daughter and then we can be a happy family ... MARLENA That is the most gracious man I have seen on this whole show! BRADY Oh my gosh! Europe! That's where Vienna is! I am so speechless! THUMP Congratulations, John and Marlena. You, out of the whole gang, have the most staying power so you're both winners. I'll tell you your task next week but know this much - it will involve snow and a castle and in the end, there will be only one apprentice ... JOHN Doc, let's head out to the park for some privacy, I got me a plan ... December 4, 2004 THUMP I understand all the Belles of past and present got together and sold more jellybeans than any of you. JAN I hate her! She's just a cheap blonde! Belle sucks! THUMP You were supposed to be selling jellybeans to hungry commuters in the morning, not sour grapes. Brandon, what have you got to say for yourself? BRANDON I am a good actor in a bad situation. MARLENA He's got a point. MICKEY I don't agree. And he is not half as ... accommodating as Jan! Nudge nudge! Wink wink! MARLENA That girl does not belong anywhere in corporate America! Why, she flashed! THUMP Jan, is this true? JAN You bet! I also videotape Belle and Philip's escapades every pathetic day of my life! THUMP I will not hire a flasher who does not at least wait to flash when I am present ... JAN, YOU'RE FIRED! MARLENA You had no choice. MICKEY Dang, I'm disappointed! She coulda been the third Mrs. Mickey Horton! THUMP Four left. Just four masochists left, then I'm so outta this boring town. Look, there's a snowstorm next door! BRADY Do you think Santa Claus is from Vienna ...? November 30, 2004 THUMP I have seen some bottles in my time but never one as big as that. Why do you have to say for yourselves? LUCAS Hey, I'm a guy with a libido! What can I say! BELLE Jan is taking credit for my boyfriend. JAN He's mine now! He was always mine! THUMP Lucas, who do you think is better to have around? LUCAS Sami would kill me if I said Belle right now so I'll have to go with Jan. THUMP Wrong answer! And you keep letting Sami pound on you lately ... LUCAS, YOU'RE FIRED! SAMI You will pay! I hate you! LUCAS Thanks, Master Thump. This was the opportunity of a lifetime - to make such a giant bottle I mean. Reminds me of ... SAMI Oh Lucas! You are such a show off! BRADY Say, Chloe might be in that bottle! She's my genie, after all. November 19, 2004 THUMP I brought my girlfriend over today, to show you just how lucky I am to have a tall, great looking woman who only talks when I ask her to and looks foxy in tight jeans ... Now, the rest of you - explain what went wrong this week. Why is the ISA in such disarray? BO Billie did not show everyone what was in them DiMera files. She took somethin' out. THUMP Is this true? Billie, did you remove something from the files without authorization? BILLIE Yes, I did. I made that decision on my own because I decided to. THUMP What was in the part of the files you removed? BILLIE Butt pictures. Stefano had secret cameras set up all over Salem to take photos. THUMP So you took it upon yourself to remove the pictures of people's butts from that file. Why is that? BILLIE Some of them didn't look good. THUMP John, you are supposed to be a senior guy over at the ISA. Where were you? How could you let this happen under your leadership? JOHN I cannot move muh legs and there's been a wild animal grown' on muh head. THUMP Excuses, excuses! Billie, I happen to be a butt man and because of you now I'll never see those photos of Salem's gals in tight jeans, damn it! BILLIE, YOU'RE FIRED! Now, I don't want to be accused of being a sexist jerk so ... JOHN, YOU'RE FIRED TOO! JOHN I don't care, seein' as I'm already busy preparing for the next presidential election ... BRADY Will you be campaigning in Vienna? November 11, 2004 THUMP Last week was unbelievable. I had people try to renovate my new house on New Salem but then all because of Stefano's old bones, the island, along with my new house, got blown skyhigh. The result was that I fired Stefano's old bones but they didn't answer me so that was a dud of an episode. This week, the task at hand was romance and setting the stage for a wedding. Kate, how do you feel about that? KATE I'm all for romance with anyone, anytime anyplace ... JOHN I can attest to that! BELLE I'm blonde and I have long legs so that means I'm gonna be off the hook, right? THUMP That's what I understand, yes. Celeste, this is the 5th time I've called you to the boardroom. Why do you think that is? CELESTE You feel threatened by my elegance and savoir faire, dahling. That is what the cards tell me. BONNIE Dang, I hope he doesn't fire my butt this week! THUMP Why the hell would I fire the cleaning lady??? Now, back to business. Shawn, you lost Belle and you don't even care. You are no leader, I cannot stand the way you mumble, you have no fire in you and you don't even know the first thing about romance or good manners. SHAWNBOY, YOU'RE FIRED! SHAWNBOY I don't remember even being in this game ... BRADY I wonder if that man with the strange hair is from Vienna. November 1, 2004 THUMP I been real busy eating all the best food in the world at the best restaurants with the most beautiful dumb woman on my arm ... COLIN So what's the bloody point? THUMP I cannot for the life of me figure out why I let some guy who's prettier than me play in this game ... COLIN, YOU'RE FIRED! COLIN Jes send me the bloody check in the mail! THUMP Now, onto important matters. I'm also feeling somewhat threatened by this whole Stefano's legacy thing. I mean, where does the guy get off impressing people more than me? And he didn't even have the class to show up for his own party ... STEFANO, YOU'RE FIRED! TONY As you wish ... Now get the hell off my island! THUMP Fine, I'll have my Thump-o-chopper come and pick me up next week ... BRADY Hey, can you drop me off in Vienna? TONY Without a parachute, preferably. October 11, 2004 THUMP So how was the infomercial? SAMI Uh, actually we just have "Next on DAYS" THUMP How is that going? TONY Who the bloody hell are you?! THUMP I'm Thump. TONY Goodie for you! Now kindly get out of my secret bloody office before I have one of my ninjas remove you - permanently! JOHN I'd watch it if I was you, pal. DiMera's even got national geographic footage ... TONY John, how many times do I have to tell you, you are under the bloody ocean! THUMP Sorry for the intrusion. I'll be brief, Count. To make a long story short, infomercials remind me of my ex-wife, who was a blonde so I gotta fire a blonde to feel better about myself ... SAMI, YOU'RE FIRED! SAMI But please Mr. Thump! LUCAS That makes no damn sense. THUMP I know. Neither does my hairstyle. TONY Shall I zap your barber? THUMP Now there's a thought ... October 3, 2004 THUMP Okay, dingbats, explain yourselves ... MIMI Ohhhhhh, my life is in shambles cos like my boyfriend loves me! Boohoo! I wanna be a mega-doormat! BELLE Shawn hates me and I look like his auntie anyhow ... JAN Belle, would you just shutup and stay away from me and don't mention my fiance's name again or else POW, right in the kisser! THUMP Let's keep it corporate, people. So, how's your sense of decorating? How would you change the Brady pub? BELLE Let's make it like a hamburger joint. NICOLE Naw, too common. How about Japanese? BELLE How about ... NICOLE Shutup already! THUMP Shawnboy, what do you make of these corporate girls gone wild? SHAWNBOY I hate women! They killed my family! And when do I get to go to a damn barber already?! THUMP Lemme see, who should I fire ... NICOLE I don't think it's necessary to fire anyone. THUMP There is nothing I hate more than a tall good looking woman who disagrees with me ... NICOLE, YOU'RE FIRED!!! BRADY Does that mean she can come to Vienna with me? BO Betcha that's where Billie went, too ... PATRICK Is she shirtless? JOHN Damn you, Donald DiMera! THUMP That's Thump, you idiot. JOHN Where the hell is muh wife????? ROMAN Doc told me she's partyin' with them jungle ninjas. THUMP No problem, I'll fire them next week ... September 28, 2004 THUMP Tell me what you all think of her ... SHAWNBOY I can't believe her! BELLE She was so horrible! PHIL A psycho for sure! KATE And she does NOT belong! I mean, I feel so threatened as a villainess that they would give her airtime over me. It's preposterous! JAN This is so unfair! I can't believe it's happening. THUMP Well, it is ... KUPEE DOLL, YOU'RE FIRED! KUPEE You are making a big mistake. I am Stefano's queen of the night ... BRADY Say, have you ever been to Vienna? September 19, 2004 THUMP Ok, so who sucks the most? BRADY I have to say that I would be willing to bet my relationship with Chloe on the fact that I don't suck ... THUMP You sure about that? You didn't even put any balloons up at the mansion this week! I love balloons - and icecream, too. KATE What an idiot! Sami should have seen his face with the fish, not mine! NICOLE I just want to say that ... THUMP Shutup! You shouldn't even be here ... So, Brady, you're a gambling man. You were even willing to bet your relationship with Chloe and quite frankly, I can't afford to have a risk taker running my top icecream coroporation ... BRADY, YOU'RE FIRED! BRADY Umm, do you think your driver could take me to Vienna? THUMP No, but my icecream truck might be able to drop you off. The rest of you, go back upstairs. KATE (slyly) Say, wanna come up on the rooftop? VICTOR Why are all my ex-wives such sluts! Did I mention they're sluts? September 10, 2004 THUMP Why shouldn't I fire you, Shawnboy? SHAWNBOY 'Cos I'm like young and that would be like picking on me ... THUMP I'm flying high right now. I am better than all of you. Can you invent toys? PATRICK I have a really cool coin. Does that count? MAGGIE Jerk! THUMP Maggie, these days you're rough around the edges but I like that. You could make millions of dollars with that attitude. Shawnboy, you're young and strange sometimes. Patrick, you don't even count so you and your toys aren't a consideration. My guess is your contract won't last much longer anyhow. But Phil, you are the biggest do nothing I have seen all week. You stand around waiting for Belle to even so much as belch in your direction and you are not a go getter. You have no one to blame but yourself for the fact that you're a great big loser who's not even a real Marine ... PHIL, YOU'RE FIRED! BRADY Um, can I borrow your phone to make a long distance call to Vienna? I think it's in France. |