| Warning! You are Now Entering a HIGHLY SARCASTIC, NO HOLDS BARRED Page ... June 14, 2004 In today's episode ... Brady gets a SHIRTLESS ALERT Crystal's dead flower moves even further down her head ... Mickey decides his alter ego is none other than Boss Hogg of the Dukes of Hazzard ... Last but not least, Sami appoints herself the new D.A. of Salem! Geesh! NEXT ON DAYS Kate goes back in time to prevent Sami from being born ... NEXT ON SALEM ISLAND Maggie and Marlena launch a new line of haircare products, based on extract from the flowers on the island (unfortunately, Doug attempts to test the products on himself and ends up with an overnight Farrah Fawcet do, which he insists on keeping as he tiptoes thru the tulips ...) June 10, 2004 Shawnboy - still Captain Underpants the captive - gets another SHIRTLESS ALERT today, as does oiled Brady ... By the by, when is Jan gonna stop parading around in her underwear? Is this supposed to be a guy show now????? Meanwhile, Sami suddenly gets smart enough to dupe the D.A.'s office (or so she thinks) and Kate continues to have no life ... and where was Salem Island!!!!! NEXT ON DAYS Crystal decides to get stylish and places a jellyfish on the other side of her head ... June 9, 2004 Sadly, Salem Island did not figure into the picture toDAY as ... Patrick, Lucas and Shawnboy (still Captain Underpants) get a SHIRTLESS ALERT ... Jan continues to lurk about, oddly unnoticed in her very Spy Vs. Spy get up and a hat so wide, one wonders how she is able to get through doorways, in a car, elevator, etc. ... Diva Kate has a totally out-of-character alert as she fears that Sami will destroy her (huh?!) And last but not least ... we are back to daydreams (pinch me so I know I'm not dreaming!) The good news, however, is that Salem Island will soon have a new visitor as the castaways make ready to present her with her very own Hawaiian shirt! NEXT ON DAYS Patrick attempts to patent that glow-in-the-dark bandaid he has on his forehead ... NEXT ON SALEM ISLAND Proving he is more than just a pampered tycoon, Victor Kiriakis goes digging for buried treasure, taking the time to patiently explain to Doug that no, it is not possible to dig a hole to China ... June 8, 2004 Patrick continues to have a nude torso for no reason and it's more than a shirtless alert so we won't even mention his toplessness as it goes beyond being humorous - however, Shawnboy's SHIRTLESS ALERT continues ... Bonnie looks ready to try out for a part in "Lion King" with that mane on her head! Speaking of things people wear on their head ... what was up with Jan's very "Spy Vs. Spy" hat ...?! Will she be able to make it thru the door to Belle - stay tuned! Real Salem is floundering bigtime in the interesting department so why not just move the whole dang town to Salem Island now! Crystal (aka Tammy Fay) should really get some repellent to get rid of that half-dead thing hanging from her stringy hair (you know, the thing that looks like someone caught it at the bottom of the sea) NEXT ON DAYS Jennifer asks Ken Corday if he's Jack ... NEXT ON SALEM ISLAND Mr. X throws a temper tantrum when the gang don't invite him to their latest luau and then threatens to write them all shirtless in future episodes ... June 7, 2004 In today's FILLER of an episode ... John gets a DIRTY DANCING ALERT Belle gets a PIGTAIL ALERT Shawn and Brady get a SHIRTLESS ALERT Speaking of Shawnboy ... he has cop-ness in his blood, yet he can't even overpower one little Jan and get outta her cage, even with the keys ...???!! NEXT ON SALEM ISLAND The gang decide to write a manual on how to use your head, for the poor dopes still stuck in real Salem ... June 4, 2004 Rex and Shawnboy get today's SHIRTLESS ALERTS ... Speaking of Rexy, he proudly announces to Mimi that because he is now into his family and Shawn is his cousin, he will set Phil straight about making a move on Shawn's ladyfriend Belle. The lad then sets off to do just that ... , having forgotten that he and Philip share the same mother, which doth make them BROTHERS! D-oh! Soap Marketing 101 says that upscale women (the desired demographic, as per the Brass themselves) just might not be interested in watching a half undressed woman coming onto a man chained to a bed and might not be interested in watching a couple of happy hookers (i.e. Crystal and Nicole) do the town ... Geesh! Somebody must have skipped some classes! Looks like the gang on Temptation had another day off ... Darn! I love that place ... If anyone finds out where the ferry leaves from, do let me know! June 3, 2004 Where oh where was doc on Temptation Island and who will solve the big mystery of the vanishing Hawaiian shirts?! Meanwhile, back in Salem ... At the Bluenote Lexie hangs out with a young Tom Jones (Tek), Joan Colins (Kate) spends time with Elvis (John) but then loses him to a young Tammy Fay (Crystal) ...! Pow, right in the kisser! Proving, once and for all, that he is as tough as that uniform he rents for special occasions, Phil lands a good one on poor lovesick Brady! NEXT ON DAYS Brady opts to build a ballet theater ... NEXT ON SALEM ISLAND Doug introduces the gang to karaoke ... June 2, 2004 Petty schemes seem to be the order of the DAY as Sami, Big Bird (aka Nicole), her annoying shadow Crystal and Patrick all jump in on the inaction ... Bonnie sure was happy to get the upscale gig running Mickey's restaurant, so why the heck is she still cleaning people's houses???!! Well, if some Salemites are so convinced that the dead are not dead, why in tarnation don't they just dig 'em up and find out once and for all??!!! Hmph! Where was the fun gang from Temptation Island today! A few episodes since their return and already a day off ...?! June 1, 2004 Patrick, dahling, do use your magic coin to wish for some clothes so you won't get such long SHIRTLESS ALERTS! And while you're at it, make a wish for fellow SHIRTLESS ALERT recipient Tek and his puckering pecs! Yet another Lucas/Sami misunderstanding???? Again?????! NEXT ON DAYS Patrick removes the foil from his chocolate dollar and eats it ... NEXT ON SALEM ISLAND The gang discover a new rock on their favorite footpath ... May 31, 2004 Well, only a few days have supposedly passed in real Salem, but Jennifer has become about 3 months more pregnant from the looks of it! Yikes! Let's just hope this is not going to be an "Alien" knockoff ... Meanwhile, Jennifer's new pal Patrick gets today's SHIRTLESS ALERT From the other side of life ... psychics really really know their tarot cards - all except Celeste, that is, who can't even shuffle her deck of tarot cards today without one fallng out! Moments later, the cynical psychic laments "It's never happened before ..." NEXT IN REAL SALEM Patrick produces a penny and re-writes the Magna Carta ... NEXT ON SALEM ISLAND The castaways wonder why their silk pijamas are always clean and go looking for the secret island drycleaner ... May 28, 2004 In real Salem today ... Mrs. Doubtfire outsmarts the Keystone Cops as Shawnboy continues his SHIRTLESS ALERT ... On Salem Island ... having been robbed of her Jack the Ripper identity, Marlena decides to become none other than Sherlock Holmes ...! NEXT ON DAYS Captain Underpants (Shawnboy) makes spiritual contact with Bo's bike and commands it to turn into the batmobile ... NEXT ON SALEM ISLAND Don Ho shows up and demands Roman give him back his shirt ... May 27, 2004 Holy castaway! Salem Island is way more exciting than real Salem - the ones that got left behind have been shortchanged, as everything stays in limbo, gets repeated, etc ... In dull real Salem today, Bo and Shawn get a SHIRTLESS ALERT (like father, like son?!) as Jan continues to gross viewers - and Shawn - out with her antics ...! NEXT ON DAYS Mrs. Doubtfire (aka Jan) sets out to dupe Salem's latest Keystone cop ... NEXT ON SALEM ISLAND Still frazzled, Doug goes for a swim and meets up with Moby Dick, who claims to be the reincarnation of Stefano! May 26, 2004 Abe should look as concerned as he does not only due to being kept away from Lexie, but also because them cops back in Salem went and got even more Keystone than ever since his departure! Hail to the Chief! He'll get back somehow and whip them into shape! Turning Japanese, she thinks she's turning Japanese, she really thinks so ...! All of a sudden, halfway thru today's episode, Celeste shows up sporting a very Geisha look! Speaking of divas ... Kate calling Sami a viper is surely the pot calling the kettle black! Furthermore, as a brunette and in those elegant clothes again, Kate is looking so refined, she would need to have a life of her own - at long last - and stop repeating last year's lines! May 25, 2004 Poor Salemites! Salem Island is way nicer than the real thang ...! Meanwhile, back in the dull Salem ... John on Marlena - "She was so peaceful and she was so dead ..." Not just a little dead, huh?! and how many times does Bo think he has to say he's gonna find his father's killer before the viewers finally get it? We got it, Bo, and love the two new shirts they let you wear today! Rumor has it that Brady has dubbed himself the Dirk Diggler of Daytime ...! May 24, 2004 Mimi preaches to Bonnie about morality but her skirt today is so short, it looks like a pair of tight denim underpants ...! Once again, Jan has stolen one of Celeste's hats, dahlings! Speaking of Jan, she continues to torment Shawnboy, who gets a SHIRTLESS ALERT. Not to be outdone, Brady shows up for his SHIRTLESS ALERT dripping wet and mighty proud ...! The good news today, however, is that Bo is sporting a new, improved shirt as he happily hangs out with Hope, who puts her sunglasses on in the shade and takes them off in the bright sunlight ...! Why does Sami only look thru old photo albums - where are the home movies??? Golly, Nicole does not make for a very attractive Mrs. Doubtfire -that make up (or is it putty?) makes her look more like the Incredible Hulk ... No word yet on whether she will save fellow superhero Captain Underpants (aka Shawnboy) from the clutches of Evil Hatgirl (Jan)!!! May 21, 2004 Shawn and Brady get today's SHIRTLESS ALERTS ... Meanwhile ... Nicole starts off the day by looking like an oversized poodle but then transforms into Mrs. Doubtfire ... Enough of Jan's love cage, I say! Let's cut to the chase, people - show us the undead dead already! Speaking of Jan ... why was she wearing one of Celeste's hats again?! And why on earth did Phil tell Belle to lie down like a twirp and why did she even listen to him??? People lie down when they are tired! May 20, 2004 In today's episode ... Brady tells Nicole "What the hell", John is confused, Sami hyperventilates up a storm, Celeste hears dead people, Marlena seems to be alive, Phil dresses up like a Marine, and Shawnboy and his SHIRTLESS ALERT continue in yucky Jan's borrrrring cage ... Speaking of Shawnboy ... Captain Underpants is an ace at tackling any situation so why doesn't the boy wonder just tell his captor he has to go to the can, man ...! Hey! Shawn and Belle used to boast of their telepathic connection, so where did it go?! NEXT ON DAYS: Phil puts on his General's uniform ... but it's for the wrong country! Oops! David Copperfield offers to help Shawn ... Celeste announces she has made contact with Jonathan Livingston Seagull, in addition to Woody Woodpecker ... May 19, 2004 Was that a Christmas shopping rush for the Walmart doors ...? Nope, t'was that wacky would be psychic Celeste hobbling away from Marlena, who raced after her with determination thru the park, the only place in Salem today where it wasn't raining! Speaking of Marlena ... she was dead, then not dead, then dead again, then not dead, then dead again ... but wait! The big surprise on the 21st is that she's not dead! Meanwhile, Phil, Shawn and Brady get today's SHIRTLESS ALERTS ... It is getting real tired watching Nicole hang around the Kiriakis mansion talking to herself and then talking on her cell phone, pausing at all the wrong places in those much repeated dialogues and monologues ... NEXT ON DAYS: The mortician slips on a banana peel ... Marlena becomes the park purse snatcher ... Phil tells Belle he is really Winnie the Pooh and she's smitten ...! May 18, 2004 Shawnboy - aka Captain Underpants - gets today's SHIRTLESS ALERT but the poor fellow must be wondering why he didn't take that time off anyway, seeing as Jan and her creepy doll are a worse filler than commercials! Will our hero ever escape ...?! Huh? Moments after Marlena tells Celeste EVERYONE will die, Celeste again asks her who will die!!! Knock knock! Anyone home?! NEXT ON DAYS: Spy Kids Rex, Phil, Belle and Mimi put a tracker on Pop Shawn, to double check he hasn't been visiting any girlie bars ... Marlena claims to be the Anti-Christ ... Jan morphs into Sailor Moon ... May 17, 2004 Shawnboy looks ready to burst out laughing amid his SHIRTLESS ALERT as Mrs. Doubtfire does Salem ...! (Jan) Meanwhile, back at the ranch - oops, I mean the pub - John and Bo set aside their differences and Bo proposes a toast to John's wife, whom he ordered the Salem P.D. to "shoot ta kill." John, good sport that he is, accepts the toast as Shawn Sr. looks on, wondering where his lines are ... Wow! Celeste managed to walk into the morgue unseeen and with all those candles, too! Come to think of it, why would she want to visit Marlena's body to check if she was resting if, moments earlier, Marlena's angry ghost had visited her & clearly indicated she was NOT resting!! She already had her ghost available! May 14, 2004 What is up with Jennifer's 60s folk singer look??? The answer is blowing in the wind ...! Isn't it high time Mrs. Doubtfire - aka Jan - got a life???!!! Meanwhile, Patrick gets today's SHIRTLESS ALERT If the whole town of Salem were truly going to die, Celeste's wig would have been going nuts! (a telltale sign that "someone is going to die")!! May 13, 2004 Today's SHIRTLESS ALERTS go to the Mighty Marine (Phil and his dogtags), the Man Who Would Be Jack (Patrick, aka that wannabe pirate of the Caribbean), and the lost DiMera - Rex ... Yikes! If John practically biting off her whole face didn't wake Marlena up, what will ...?! Ouch! So Sami and Belle just happen to go online when the whole Marlena thing is shown online real time ... oh my lord, this is worse than a dream ... somebody wake me up and fast! May 12, 2004 Given that the Keystone Cops sharp shooters - who turned out to be not very sharp after all - understood "Don't shoot" to mean "Shoot to kill", either Abe will have to come back to do a complete overhaul of this dept (i.e. kick some a**es into shape) or the whole dang force should just be disbanded ... Furthermore, I am of the opinion that this storyline is not real, the show isn't real, my television isn't real, and neither is the Days Cafe! Meanwhile, Brady gets a SHIRTLESS ALERT for today's entire episode, though I do not know why and from the looks of things, he was pretty baffled about it too! May 11, 2004 Well, it should come as no surprise that the Keystone Cops cannot even hold onto a prisoner who's stuck in the slammer but who-was-the-dir-ec-tor-who-told-Bo-to-slow-ly-and-care-ful-ly-pro-nounce-ev-ery-word-for-the-dumb-dumb-view-ers??! That is an even bigger mystery than this killer of a storyline! Speaking of the serial killin' mama ... she used to be an intelligent woman so what happened - why did she grab that gun when she knew the cops would be firing at her and why did she "surrender" with it in her hand ...? Looks like John's lobotomy might have been contagious! Meanwhile, Captain Underpants - aka that rebel without a clue Shawnboy - gets today's SHIRTLESS ALERT and also a PANTLESS ALERT in yet another Jan daydream ... "Old Girls Gone Wild - the Sequel!" Them old girls gone wild are at it again as this time Bonnie grabs Julie by the throat! Rumor has it their promoter wanted them to be covered in mud at the time but Julie felt that would be too trashy! May 10, 2004 In today's episode ... Jennifer perfects her wide-eyed look for the silent film she must think she's in, Belle asks Philip for a hug, bright businesswoman Nicole wonders what foreign currency is, Brady gets a very looong, pointless SHIRTLESS ALERT, and John does his best Dex Dexter imitation ... No word yet on whether Kate will take over the role of Alexis, Dex's love interest, as was played by Joan Collins (on "Dynasty") NEXT ON DAYS: The serial killin' mama morphs back into Horton the tiger ... John leaves town to return to the tanning salon ... Belle looks for a Salemite who hasn't hugged her yet ... May 6, 2004 Salem's loooooooong night continues but at least Hope gets a change of clothes! If Belle is so in love with Shawnboy (gee, he's still in town?!) why does she jump Phil's bones every chance she gets, with that very tight squeeze...?! Shame on Jennifer, for not having the common sense to place her bonds in a safety box at the bank - and why doesn't she start paying attention to her daughter instead of obsessing over that ever so transient Patrick ...!!! (Rumor has it even Victor Newman wouldn't stop and give the happy hitch-hiker a ride!) Must be quite the luxurious women's prison, given how prisoner Crystal has such nice recent highlights in her hair ... Wonder how much the prison hairstylist charges! NEXT ON DAYS: Shawn starts receiving threats for not leaving town as quickly as he promised ... Philip announces he plans to form a new band called "Village People 2" ... Julie and Bonnie take their relationship to the next level with a food fight ... Patrick follows the yellow brick road to Harmony ... May 5, 2004 Looks like all of Salem's lawyers are on strike ... No one hired a lawyer for the serial killin mama and when she got accusations thrown her way, Nicole didn't get one either, not to mention it's been a verrrrry long time since poor Mickey had a gig! Speaking of Nicole and her annoying shawl ... the Keystone cops didn't bother to put a tail on her (there used to be one way back when!) and not only that, but she herself was idiotic enough to go to the prison to give Crystal orders to kill Bill - oops, I mean kill Marlena -without even wearing a disguise?????! This stuff is painful! April showers bring May flowers but the doom and gloom hang over Salem like an endless dark day ... Most unseasonal! If you were to delete all of the repeated lines from today's show, it would end up being 5 minutes long!!! May 4, 2004 The Keystone factor grows even stronger in the police dept today when acting Commander Bo asks Marlena - serial killer - to tell HIM who killed his father!!! As if she would know or she could be taken seriously! Poor anti-genius Rex now isn't even capable of reverse psychology and this causes even Shawnboy to chuckle! Not a good sign for lad Rex! Crikey! How many breakdowns does Sami have to have until someone gets her the help she clearly needs! And why doesn't she brush Will's hair so the poor thing won't have to walk around with that cowlick until he's 65! Meanwhile, Lucas gets today's SHIRTLESS ALERT ... Next on DAYS ... Shawnboy hops on Bo's harley but then discovers he doesn't know how to drive it ... Jan accidentally locks herself in her cage ... Marlena confesses to being responsible for all murders in Salem for the past 2000 years ... May 3, 2004 The order of the DAY appears to be drab rooftops ... Have the nice sets been auctioned off and, if so, why was I not notified? (I would have loved to bid on some of the nicer ones!) Speaking of drab ... no wonder Nicole has thoughts of killing people on her mind - get a load of that yucky shawl/poncho she has had to wear for days now! Her would be partner in crime is now a very green Barney, who hangs around talking to anyone he/she comes across about attending children's parties - at night?! Great hospital security! Don't tell me - them Keystone Cops is in charge of that too! The Keystone Cops place their best rep Bo in the forefront today, where he asks the judge to verify what exactly murder one is! Well, if the police dept. don't know, then who does! The wacky judge later goes on to invite ranting Sami to scream at people for a total of 30 seconds! Not to be outdone, Marlena recounts her own logic bloopers, the biggest one being how she managed to hide among the crowd at the circus and go unnoticed with that killer's mask on - that same killer's mask the whole dang town knew about ...! Last but not least, Julie gets today's CHOKING SOMEONE ALERT and Shawnboy, as per the serial killin' mama's flashback to the circus, gets today's SHIRTLESS ALERT! April 30, 2004 Looks like anybody and everybody gets to waltz in to hear Marlena's "confession" as the Keystone Cops keep going with their very unclassified interrogation ... and Bo wonders "Did you poison Caroline Brady with the intent to kill her?", which has got to be the dumbest line in DAYS history! No, Bo, she is a killer and she poisoned her just because she wanted to give her a little tummy ache! (Poor Peter Reckell, having to say such a thing!) Speaking of Marlena ... how could she have been the one at the pub talking to Caroline that time??? Caroline spoke to that person like a complete stranger! The serial killin' mama then goes on to recall how she made the casket with bones in it suddenly and magically appear at the funeral service ... Tune in next week, when it is revealed that the serial killin mama is really just a genie gone bad ... Shazam! Rex, meanwhile, gets a SHIRTLESS ALERT as Shawn continues to look dumbfounded, befuddled and Belle wonders if the fact that her mom killed his grandma will impact their profound relationship ... Rumor has it Belle may start dipping into the koolaid as well ... April 29, 2004 Still Marlena's lawyer is nowhere in sight - how absurd! In addition, her memory of Abe is that he just stood there, waiting to be shot! Instead of lunging for her gun, top cop that he was, he stood there and told her his last wishes - come on now! Maggie too just stood there quivering as Marlena - a woman - raised a bottle in order to smash it across her complacent head ... Sigh! How's this for a definition of CONTRIVED: Abe's ghost tells Lexie it's time for her to move on and Tek then appears around the corner!!! Furthermore ... we are supposed to think that only an African American man would be interested in beautiful, intelligent Lexie ...? What century are these writers in anyhow! Next on DAYS: The Keystone Cops give John a glass of koolaid and he has a sudden urge to open up to everyone ... Shawn and Belle face even more turmoil when Belle's papa admits he prefers orange to cherry flavor ... What will that mean to their non-existent relationship? Will Shawnboy get a haircut at long last? Will someone fix all those clocks in Salem that are stuck at 4:20? Stay tuned! April 28, 2004 Jennifer's little girl hairdo and clothes continue ... as does pirate Patrick's now very slimey SHIRTLESS ALERT! Meanwhile, Shawn and Belle succeed in watching even Marlena's truth serum shocker whilst obsessing about ... themselves! (is there ever anything else for these two!) April 27, 2004 Blimey! Not so computer literate pirate Patrick types in a url and immediately ends up on a London Times article - however, the Times articles online are now only available to North Americans BY PAID SUBSCRIPTION!!! While playing Mr. Fix It, Patrick also has today's SHIRTLESS ALERT ... as Jennifer reportedly mutters "Is that a wrench in your hand or are you just happy to see me ...?" Rumor has it that the entire town of Salem will be injected with truth serum, after which ... Marlena admits she is really Ivan with plastic surgery, John states he believes he has the nicest profile in town, Hope confesses she liked her wardrobe way better when she was Princess Gina, Belle shares her theory that the world is not only round but it revolves around her as well, Tek says he hates playing second fiddle to everyone else in town, Jennifer complains that the wardrobe dept does not give her high enough platforms, and Bo announces he has never read his job description and never will, after which the entire crew admits to being part of someone's daydream - someone whose identity will not be revealed until December 2009! Meanwhile, Horton the tiger is now threatening to hibernate until January 2010, claiming his nerves can no longer handle being a main character in such a stressful storyline ... April 26, 2004 First Sami suffered from having a 5 year old inhabit her body, now Kate as well - hence the food fight ...?!! Even Will would find the pair too juvenile for words! Lucas, meanwhile, continues his SHIRTLESS ALERT ... Speaking of repetition, many characters continue to repeat themselves repeat themselves repeat themselves ... Oops! Must be catchy! Just think - only 25 days until the big reveal the big reveal the big reveal! (of course, 25 days in Salem comes to 2 years in real time so perhaps we shouldn't start holding our breath anytime soon anytime soon anytime soon!) April 23, 2004 John wonders how he can help his wife, who lies in bed, accused of 10 counts of murder - well, hiring a lawyer might be a good start!!! The confused fellow then becomes teary eyed and laments "What do you people expect from me!", presumably addressing the writers responsible for his character assassination ...! Moments later, Mimi, that fun loving girl who can barely utter a word that has more than two syllables, steps up to the plate and instructs the Keystone Cops to give Marlena truth serum! ("truth serum" - note that none of those words is over 2 syllables). Cue Bo, who stares blankly for a few moments and then takes new Police Commander Mimi's advice with the enthusiasm befitting ... a Keystone Cop, as Hope and her tired bun look on with great concern! Lucas gets today's SHIRTLESS ALERT! (and Sami's bashfulness with him was ever so ADORABLE!) Why was dead Marlena acting like Hattie in Nicole's daydream ... and why I am even thinking about this stuff??! April 22, 2004 How convenient that Dr. Lexie was on call for the Keystone Cops, who don't even see a thing when murder most foul is committed under their very noses! Meanwhile, John laments "When the hell am I gonna wake up!" as many a viewer continues to sleep ... and Belle's hands remain very MIA! Put up your dukes! Yesterday (actually today in Days time) Lucas slapped Sami, now today Shawnboy backfists Mimi in the face ... Well, if we're going to go Jerry Springer, why don't the writers let the women smack around the men too, huh! Where's the equality! P.S. Rumor has it Bonnie has hired Sly Stallone to whip her into shape for a showdown with any fan demanding Maggie's return, as Mickey continues to wonder why the heck he left General Hospital in the first place ... And that's a fact! April 21, 2004 Tsk! Tsk! The Mighty Marine has really fallen from grace with that sudden attack of machismo! In fact, today I almost expected him to twirl around and start singing "Y.M.C.A.!" No one in Salem or in viewerland likes to listen to Jan - except for Jan, that is - which begs the question ... why do we have to???!! Next on DAYS: Father Jansen performs another quickie "exorcism", announces the entire town has been possessed at some point during the past year, and condemns them all ... to Harmony! (with the exception of Horton the tiger, who is currently on a work to rule campaign brought on by stress) April 20, 2004 Father Jansen would NOT have been able to tell whether Marlena had been possessed in the past! The loose ends are growing faster than Belle's self-pity - and that's mighty fast! I have no particular desire to see/hear/know or even read about the existence of this Mickey's love life ... (and from the looks of it, neither does he!) Philip Kiriakis - Salem's newest marine-on-call! There is something about his demeanor that reminds one of a male dancer who is delivering a stripogram ... and he even came equipped with the music today! Is he really on the base all those times? He may have lifted the uniform and that may very well be his stage name - The Mighty Marine! "This is a waste of time!" announces Bo ... Right on! Looks like someone in Salem has finally woken up - now if only the whole dang town would follow his lead! April 19, 2004 Poor John's lobotomy has still not been reversed - he now thinks that proving Marlena is possessed (which she is not) will spare her from death row - as if the old "devil made me do it" line would hold up in a court of law! Yes yes, we know that years past, when Marlena really was possessed, the ratings were high but flashing back to all those old days is not going to save this sinking ship now! Too many good men and women have been thrown overboard ...! Literally! Sleeves, sleeves and more sleeves ... but where did Belle's hands go? Speaking of Belle, no one seems to care that she broke the law by lying to the police about being with Marlena when another murder was committed ...! Meanwhile, the Keystone Cops are more interested in Marlena's motivation than the facts the tax payers pay them to be concerned about! April 16, 2004 Attention Salemites! We are receiving confirmed reports that ... Salem has been hit by an epidemic known as Utter Cluelessness ... symptoms vary from selective memory lapses to sighing and believing everyone in sight to aimless ambling and pointless lines ... John, Shawnboy, Hope, Celeste, Rex , Brady, the serial killin' mama and even Jennifer are already known to be afflicted ... No word yet on how contagious this virus is ... Stay tuned! Meanwhile, Celeste with her cleavage and Nicole in her bluejeans and poncho tie for first prize in the worst possible attire for a funeral contest, with Jan and that bedcurtain on her head a very close second ...! Poor dear Rex keeps smiling like a moonie ... when did they recruit him, I wonder? April 15, 2004 If Belle is so virginal, why the heck was she wearing a MINI-SKIRT to Alice's funeral??! 2005 - that's the projected release date of Marlena, Julie, and Bonnie's latest video ... "Old Girls Gone Wild!" Marlena will be appearing with her letter opener, Julie will be choking everyone in sight, and Bonnie will be dueling with her mechanical bull as Rex marvels what a genius his latest business partner is ...! Meanwhile, Brady gets today's SHIRTLESS ALERT as he and Nicole continue to repeat themselves ... Today Patrick and Mimi confirmed what viewers have long known - this whole dang show has gone Mickey Mouse! April 14, 2004 The biggest killer in Salem today has to be Celeste's enormous, floppy hat with the wacky big flower planted right in the middle! Perhaps she should get a vibe ... that she has the wrong hat maker, dahlings! (she is ever so gorgeous regardless, though!) Apparently feeling there was not enough shock value when they killed the little old lady by having someone stuff donuts down her throat, the powers that be decided to invite her killer/donut stuffer to the funeral, assuming the viewers would be shocked/thrilled about it ... Come on, now! Two thumbs down! In an attempt to prove to viewers that she is not a totally useless character, Jan has set out to do what no man has done before - catch Horton the tiger, who continues to elude the Keystone Cops ! (hence the cage - for the tiger, I mean!) Rumor has it she will spike his milk with booze and then tell him he has hair just like Shawn, which will cause him to shriek and run off to hide ... in the cage! Jan will then summon Nicole, to weld the door shut as Horton tries to place a frantic call to Winnie the Pooh, claiming that his civil liberties have been violated. Winnie the Pooh later turns out to be Stefano but chaos unfolds when Celeste warns that someone will soon come unraveled - the May twist? Stay tuned! April 13, 2004 Looks like viewers will have to put up with another 3+ weeks of fillers! First Hattie, what next - Stefano's taped message, Tom Horton's warning, a barrage of the undead showing up just to say hello, and more of Jan's latest welding hobby ...? Tune in next week when Nicole announces she was always great at math and then sets out to defeat the Rubix cube ... Shawn and Belle are on again, off again, on again, off again - and during it all, Belle has to wear the same workout wear?! Meanwhile .. Sami is mad again, less mad again, madder again, medium mad, madder again, etc. Viewers are expected to be consoled, however, when Bo is permitted to give Hope a nice hug and John's confusion continues ... April 12, 2004 Man oh man, talk about cheap! They didn't even hire the real Hattie (played by Deidre Hall's humorous sister) for a couple of days - instead they made Deidre Hall play the role! Attention Hattie fans! We have been robbed! Furthermore, poor Dee Hall's head must be spinning - she now has to recite Hattie's wacky lines in addition to the weird words of that serial killin' mama! Speaking of Hattie (aka Martha Stewart), looks like them cops is even more Keystone than ever as they make ready to arrest Hattie for ... looking like Marlena???! Next on Days: Agent Spector gets hauled in for looking like an Elvis impersonator, Jan gets busted for having eyes as big and round as Olive Oyle and Bonnie claims she needs to be taken downtown for lookin just like Marilyn Monroe ...! If Brady wants to know where the hell Nicole has been, what the hell she was doing, etc., why doesn't he just get the hell off his fanny and follow her!! (Hmmm ... Like father like son, perhaps?) April 9, 2004 Evidently John failed to read page 1 of his ISA Agent handbook, which states that kidnapping is a felony!!! Furthermore, why does he drag his mysterious suspect (Hattie) to the hospital??? Has the police station burned down? And where is the evidence and why don't the Keystone Cops seem to think they need any before meeting John at the hospital with the latest "Killer" they automatically assume is the killer because he says so??? And that's a fact! Burly Bo and Lucas of rippling torso fame get today's SHIRTLESS ALERTS! Has anyone else noticed that Jennifer has sported the same hairstyle since ... since she was Jennifer! Rumor has it that next week, Mickey announces that he wishes to keep Maggie's memory alive by becoming a rap artist! Also next week ... Patrick confesses to Jennifer that he is really Batman! (Harold is expected to have a cameo as Robin) April 8, 2004 Geesh, those "bats" didn't even fly into the house - not a single one! Speaking of bats ... with any luck, Bonnie Lockheart will turn out to be no more than someone's very bad dream! There you have it - the May shocker! Even more shocking is the fact that she runs Mickey's restaurant and STILL cleans Jennifer's house!!! How charitable these Hortons are! Bo gets today's SHIRTLESS ALERT but Bonnie's prancing cowboy fantasy men don't count because she is really just someone's bad dream anyway ...! Yeehaw! April 7, 2004 Why do Bo and Hope continue to discuss classified cop info with son Shawn??? How about an ethics committee review of this kind of police procedure? Shameful! Perhaps that was what prompted Abe to plan a return from the dead - it was pure will that inspired him to insist that he must rise again, to oust the Keystone from these cops ...! (the Emmy nomination sure didn't hurt either) Meanwhile characters keep on repeating themselves, except for John, who today finally admits "I don't have a clue ..." Holy rippling torso! Lucas gets today's SHIRTLESS ALERT and yet another BUFF ALERT! Yikes! Will's hairstyle continues to frighten viewers more than anything on this show! April 6, 2004 Groan! How many times do we have to sit through someone taking a bath! And Nicole may think she's the cat's meow but unless the new intended viewers are perverted men, her seductress routine is utterly pointless; i.e. women could not care less, even when Brady drools at the nude ostrich during his SHIRTLESS ALERT! Sami needs to get arrested for attempting to shoot John, threatening people, being a public nuisance and a very ratty dresser ...! Speaking of arrests, I would like to see Bo arrest the writer who does not give him enough lines as he is forced to stand around the hospital, not responding to just about anyone or anything, and while he's at it, arrest that same writer for making John hang around like a mute as Sami hisses her accusations and Belle must run around like a chicken with her head cut off, announcing to all within earshot that she has told a lie ...! Stay tuned next week, when Patrick presents the town with his latest cracker jack trinket and Jennifer discovers she is carrying quintuplets..! The logic bloopers continue to be too easy - something is wrong with this picture! April 5, 2004 They got the wrong patient! Docs ought to have sedated that raging ranter SAMI in lieu of her serial killin' mama! Wow! Out of control alert! Right on Burly Bo! You're not the only one who's fed up!!! So, who's the ditz now ...?! Belle's flashback about Shawn's proposal includes Shawn's voice , but an image of Rex reading a jewelry ad in the newspaper is accidentally shown instead of Shawn! Even Belle then wonders "How can everything be so wrong ...?" April 2, 2004 Why does Sami keep hyperventilating, yelling or ranting - at times doing all three at once? One starts to worry for her health! Out of control alert! His great-grandma just got murdered but ah yes, love is in the air for Shawnboy, who decides the night of Alice's death is the most romantic night to pop the question to Belle ...! Rex has yet another SHIRTLESS ALERT, in addition to his POINTLESS ALERT, as he now serves no purpose other than to ... entertain Mimi, marvel at Bonnie's wisdom, and ponder life in general ... Meanwhile, mama Kate continues to loiter at the hospital, repeating lines she said about Sami last year and the year before that and the year before that! April 1, 2004 It's a bird, it's a plane, no, it's the Flying Marlena, sailing slowly through the air with the grace of Mary Popins until ... Splat! But wait! Even getting squashed by Salem's resident serial killer doesn't deter Sami, who continues to yell and tell off everyone in sight as she lies bleeding on the concrete, waiting for the paramedics. She reportedly yelled at them as well, whilst in the ambulance, and even managed to yell out the window at all passersby and Horton the tiger, who complained to Dr. Doolittle about the migraine she gave him ...! Rumor has it that Heather O. was let go for not being enthusiastic about being Jan SO ...? THEY CAN FIRE SOMEONE FOR THAT???! Today's SHIRTLESS ALERT goes to Shorn but sorry I fastforwarded that demented daydream anyhow so that's all I can say about it and that's a fact! March 31, 2004 Poor Sami! After all that yelling and hyperventilating (and she was already hoarse), will she ever get her voice back ...?!! If not, does she get worker's compensation for injuring those vocal chords on the job?!! Man oh man, where does she get all that energy! If slurring Jan were truly obsessed with Shorn, she would be calling him incessantly instead of Nicole ...! Brady and Shawn get today's SHIRTLESS ALERT. Speaking of shirtless wonders ... if bright boy Brady is now convinced Nicole had Vic killed, why doesn't he hire a P.I. to prove as much! Then he might get lucky and really find out "what the hell is going on"! Either John has lost his strength and therefore an ISA demotion is forthcoming .... or Marlena was too strong to be Marlena ... March 30, 2004 IT WAS A DARK AND CHEESY (OOPS, THAT'S STORMY!) NIGHT ... Captain Underpants hears noises outside the window and bravely asks who's there, instead of looking himself! After he fails to pop his head out to look left and right, he gets down to business with his latest SHIRTLESS ALERT as Jan slurs up a storm ...! Cover anyone? Speaking of Jan, she and Nicole spend today's episode hanging around conversing like absolute twits, in the pouring rain!!! The most incredible thing has happened! The writers let Bo wake up today! Those same writers were so generous that they even went on to let the Keystone Cops find the trail of icing sugar rumored to lead to the next clue of this cluelessness! Rumor has it that Horton the tiger has had quite enough of this madness and has run away to join the circus ... March 29, 2004 Lexie asks Celeste if she knows what year it is ... but the writers sure don't! According to their calendar,Valentine's Day is a month long and goes straight into St. Patrick's Day!!! Groooaaan! A killer character like Jan's needs to be removed, not recast!!! A major thump on the head to the "genius" who came up with the idea of killing a little old lady on daytime t.v., all in the name of shock value ... Memo to "Genius" : It is Grotesque and not entertaining! Furthermore, Alice could have easily knocked out that serial killin' mama with one of her donuts, given how those donuts on her table looked about as light as cement! Tsk tsk! Sloppy props department! No word yet on whether Bo will be allowed to wake up before 2005 ... Stay tuned! March 26, 2004 Unfortunately that lightning strike did not fix Celeste's wacky hair, dahlings! Meanwhile, those ghosts from outer space (aka the 3 amigos Roman, Caroline and Maggie) look far better and happier than when they were alive and regulars in Salem! Not one to be outdone, Shawnboy, his mouth hanging open, allows his long locks to fall forward, often covering his eyes, which is probably just as well ... as papa Rip Van Bo continues his peaceful slumber! Why does Marlena keep acting like Jack Nicholson in "The Shining"! Speaking of odd voices ... rumor has it that Kenny C. himself was the one who barked "Marlena, get out!", hoping the mad matron would take the hint and split, taking her million dollar contract with her! March 25, 2004 John chats with the dark forces, who imply Marlena is possessed again, and Kate spends a romantic evening with dead Roman ... Has Halloween come early to Salem, and, if so, how many dang days will that holiday last! Speaking of the dark forces, why didn''t Celeste stand in a circle of salt, to protect herself from the evil! Meanwhile, Captain Underpants (aka Shawnboy) continues to run here, run there, stooped and bewildered as he does his best Columbo imitation to prove that he's as good as any of them Keystone Cops...! No word yet on whether Mike Meyers is demanding his shirt back, for the next Austin Power movie. March 24, 2004 Well, shiver me timbers! That latest SHIRTLESS chocolate pirate of the Caribbean, Patrick of the Lockheart clan, has gone and lost his secret pirate's medallion! Jennifer, meanwhile, continues to insist she is a shoo-in for "MaryAnn" in the planned re-make of "Gilligan's Island" and is threatening to keep that flour on her face 'till she gets the contract in the mail. Oh, Celeste, dahling, what kind of a psychic would forget her own hypnosis! Salem's Keystone Cops cannot even keep their own mainframe safe! No word yet on whether the mops over at the station are also in danger ... Stay tuned! "Yeah, baby!" In today's episode, Shawnboy looks ready to try out for a part in the next Austin Power flick! Shwing! Who is the nut who keeps whispering and pretending to be Tom's ghost ...? March 23, 2004 This week her weapon of choice is a shiney letter opener, but tune in next week, when the serial killin' mama takes out the entire Salem P.D. with a stamp! Bo, meanwhile, continues to nap ... Speaking of that serial killin' mama ... since when could she erase images from a cop camera?!! Diva Celeste's wig has gone absolutely nuts again = a sure sign that "someone is going to die!" Today's SHIRTLESS ALERTS go to the two stragglers who wandered into "Tuscany", where the bull continues ...! No word yet on whether the pair were lost. March 22, 2004 He's cool and he's smart, so why does Tek have to wear the dorkiest shirt in all of Salem???! Marlena laughs about possibly killing John and states "Love is stupid!" If this is indeed reality, as claimed by the powers that be, then they have already done something that has never before been done on a soap opera - effectively spit in the faces of the fans of daytime's most popular romantic couple. If, however, this is not reality or Marlena or both, two certain men (and you know who you are, dahlings!) will end up with the longest noses in Hollywood for the worst fibbing in daytime history ... Which will it be? Stay tuned! Looks like another looooong night in store for viewers! Why was Tom's ghost creepily whispering to Alice? Why didn't he just talk normally to his wife! Guess they didn't want viewers to hear it wasn't his voice - it was Gollum doing overtime at the studio! (he just didn't realize he'd wandered onto the wrong set) March 19, 2004 Well, now, that was a very poorly attended wake for dear old Doug - there were more people in those flashback scenes! And how about that capable cop that caught Doug and Julie making out in the park way back when ... He seemed to have a pretty good head on his shoulders - maybe he can come back and help out the poor, long suffering Keystone Cops, who still haven't even put a tail on that sloppy serial killin' mama! Speaking of the serial killin' mama ... Has she hypnotized John?!!! Is that why he walks around in such a stupor as she races from here to there in her pantsuit, hiding that letter opener conspicuously behind her back?!???! Salem's former mercenary was never that hopeless when Tony D was around! Tony vs John - Now THAT was exciting!! Yikes! Will's hairstyle is even scarier than this whole serial killin' storyline! March 18, 2004 Why does Victor's ghost only appear to murderess Nicole, and not any of his loved ones ... To add to the oddity of it all, his ghost, like so many of Salem's "spirits", miraculously casts a shadow as that wacky widow Nicole struts around the house in her slip and high heels, seeming to have forgotten that she always used to complain that Vic didn't let her go anywhere, suddenly now content to do exactly as she did before he was bumped off! Much ado about nothing ... After all that hype, Mimi and Rex decide not to get married after all and "genius" Rex credits genius Bonnie with making him see the light! Rumor has it those headaches killed off most of the poor lad's brain cells ... Captain Underpants might end up getting reprimanded by the Superheroes Union, for dozing off while on the job and failing to listen to a damsel in distress ... No word yet on whether damsel in distress Belle plans to file a complaint! March 17, 2004 How can it be St. Patrick's Day if it was Valentine's Day 2 freakin' days ago -and what has everyone in Salem then been doing for the past MONTH, which we have not seen???!! All anyone ever does now is float from holiday to holiday and forget that a month has gone by ... unless, of course, the whole town is being frozen for one month intervals! Brady makes his usual grand entrance, this time at the police station, announcing "What the hell is going on?!" The Keystone cops, possibly caught off guard by his continuous repetition, look dazed as the buttinski then plops himself down at the cop computer and starts typing away, profoundly explaining that "Innocent people are being killed ..." Meanwhile, Captain Underpants lurks with his ladylove at the park, pondering how things are now different ... They certainly are different, for Belle was aged to 21 years in today's episode, which means that he is now dating an older woman - and a virgin at that! March 16, 2004 For the birds ...? At the busy Brady pub today loud seagulls were heard making a lot of loud noises - INSIDE! No word yet on what they thought of Pop Brady's clam chowder ... Camera angle, anyone? When Rex appears in the park, Shawn appears to be in deep conversation ... with a shrub!!! But of course there were no SHIRTLESS ALERTS today - it was a warm day in Salem! Why was Belle smiling when she reminded Shawn how he lost both his grandfathers in one night? Eerie! March 15, 2004 Congratulations to Tek, the latest graduate of Salem's School of Hypnotherapy, where every keen pupil passes with flying colors and is awarded a license to hypnotize anyone anywhere! Meanwhile, Will is still awaiting his acceptance letter and Bonnie is giving serious consideration to doing the Ph.d Program ... Julie (that not so mourning widow)is a woman of means so if she wanted to run a restaurant so badly she could easily open one of her own instead of hoping to land a job at Mickey's! Amazing how all that snow can melt overnight and Salemites, in a matter of hours, quickly slip into their eager Spring outfits ... Rumor has it that groundhog Willie is already on valium, as a result ... Max and Horton the tiger have already recommended counseling ... Stay tuned! March 12, 2004 Boastful Bo claims to know killer's eyes when he sees them yet ... how many times has he looked in Marlena's eyes without seeing a dang thing! How convenient and miraculous that Jan's wounds have healed so quickly - in a matter of hours?! (and her make up never smeared the whole time she was intoxicated - quite a feat!) Bonnie Lockheart's character continues to be an unfair parody of all the low income working women out there who are GOOD people ...! Shameful! March 11, 2004 When Hope answers the door at Alice's place, the door is unlocked!! Even more absurd is the fact that the key is still dangling from the keyhole on the outside and the door ends up getting shut with the key still dangling outside, waiting for any robber who happens by! In addition, Sami later barges into Marlena's penthouse without having to use a key as that door has also been left unlocked ...!! Of course the Keystone Cops found a bootprint at the scene of Doug's murder - they let everyone in Salem stomp around his dead body! Meanwhile, boring Brady Rex and lovable Lucas get today's SHIRTLESS ALERT and, sadly, John's lobotomy does not appear to have been reversed yet ... March 10, 2004 Killing off "Tony" = A Major Strategic Error Killing of Doug = Just plain mean spirited! John Black, trained ISA agent, fails to notice wacko Marlena is holding something conspicuously behind her back??! Meanwhile, most untrained Shawnboy needs to leave the official police business to the big boys - and attend to more pressing matters, such as tucking in his shirt!! Captain Underpants needs to present a tidy, together image in this cartoon world ... Remember "Toontown" in "Who Framed Rodger Rabbit"? Salem is stuck there as we speak! Many disgruntled viewers, in fact, are threatening to raise their erasers in unison and erase the current headwriter ... Stay tuned! (no pun intended) Brady, due to his bared chest, doth get a SHIRTLESS ALERT today, moments later telling Nicole "You and I have to have this OUT right now!" Oh la la! Phil's admirer at the bar seemed like a shoddy Cassie imitation! Why not just bring the real Cassie back, along with Tony, and make her a DiMera after all so she can hit on Phil and we won't get stuck with the shoddy imitation ...?! Crikey! Nobody wants a bargain basement soap! March 9, 2004 Celeste: "There will be more tragedy before this night is over." The biggest tragedy is that this night will NEVER be over - it's already been 24 freakin' days long!!! Meanwhile, characters continue to repeat themselves and miracle of miracles, Jan's hair has somehow managed to straighten itself, as she takes more and more swigs from that now empty flask! Not wanting to be outdone in the realm of foolishness, Nicole saunters into the livingroom and states she wants to light a fire, but there is already one burning in the fireplace! Moments later, however, that fire has vanished, giving the wacky widow something to do other than walk around the house with that Chinese robe on ... Rumor has it that Lexie will soon begin treating anyone present at the cemetery for overexposure to DRY ICE!! March 8, 2004 Bo : "I'd do anything to kickstart this investigation ..." So would the viewers! Kick! Start! Kick! Start! Sleuthing Shawn is relieved when he calls Belle and she does not answer her cell phone. "At least I know she's safe," the bright lad deduces (???!) Meanwhile ... at the penthouse, Belle looks down AHEAD of where she has stepped and announces oh no, she has just tracked mud there (but she hasn't even stepped there yet!) And if she really believes that, why doesn't she just remove her shoes instead of racing upstairs seconds later, still tracking that imagined mud all over the place! Lexie continues to pass herself off as the town Coroner. No word yet on whether she'll also start moonlighting as police commander to bring in a few extra dollars and keep up with the financial difficulties faced by ... a DiMera!!! March 5, 2004 Welcome to the new Dark Shadows! Where or where was John and Tek's back up? Are the rest of the Keystone Cops on strike??? Oh lordy, it's still supposed to be Valentine's night! Even the black cat in the cemetery was trying to run away from it all ...! March 4, 2004 Marlena pounces onto the open grave as though she has just morphed into Horton the tiger????? How did she develop such superhuman powers and why oh why did Doug just stand there waiting for the daft woman to stab him in the neck???! Meanwhile, Salem's Keystone cops scurry around town, driving here, driving there, just like the Dukes of Hazzard! (with the exception of Hope, a darn fine actress who proves once again that she can rise to any occasion) Lucas has a SHIRTLESS ALERT today as mama Kate starts to sound like Betty Davis in "Whatever Happened to Baby Jane" once more ... March 3, 2004 It has now been Valentine's night for over 2 weeks in Salem - and still counting! Well, if a day is no longer a day in this town, is anything real ...? Roman's head on Celeste's big fat psychic candle looks even more ridiculous than Kate's head on Sami's big fat Thanksgiving turkey! Hmmm ... a matching set perhaps?! Why would Doug trust Marlena, the now admitted psychotic slashing serial killer, to lead him through the scarrry cemetery at night ???! Come on now! This man's character is not supposed to be senile! Furthermore, given that he knows his life is in danger, why isn't he packing heat?! And that serial killin' mama needs a good swift kick in her serial killin' behind! How come Bonnie's cleavage never gets frostbite ...?! Looks like very soon the dead will outnumber the living in Salem - that's the May twist, you see - the first ever soap about ghosts and their problems ... (gee, whose candle or turkey should I put my head on today???) Rumor has it that Salem's Keystone Cops will prove just as inept in the afterlife and Inspector Clouseau is already demanding an inquiry into how they were hired ... March 2, 2004 Doug tells Marlena he simply had to come to see her face to face, but he didn't - he accidentally ran into her at the cemetery! It would be nice if Monday's writer and Tuesday's writer would get together now and then, just to compare notes ...! Salem's Keystone Cops leave the safe unguarded long enough for Nicole to get into it - but of course they would! In addition, they do not think to dust for fingerprints on the safe once they do not find what they sense was inside ... However, the biggest crime here is the childish way Vic's anti-Nicole info was shown to the viewers - in a big envelope with NICOLE'S CRIMES written in large, childish scrawl at the top (?!) Tune in next week ... when Marlena walks around town wearing a sign that states SERIAL KILLER as John, Bo, and the rest of the Salem Keystone Cops scratch their heads in unison, wondering why the safe did not contain that Emmy they'd all been expecting ...! Meanwhile, Patrick's rather obnoxious SHIRTLESS ALERT continues ... March 1, 2004 Celeste warns Julie "it is not safe" ... Of course it isn't! For the entire episode, Celeste keeps opening and closing her apartment door - but never once bothers to lock it!!! Rex and Patrick both get a SHIRTLESS ALERT today. Patrick also goes on to boast to Hope that he is completely nude (but does anyone care?) Hope gives him the once over but the look in her eye advises him not to quit his day job! Re: Jennifer No newspaper editor would welcome a shirtless stranger into her home and then wander around in her pijamas like that, with a deer staring in the headlights look, hoping for the best ... A thump on the head to the writers who think a career gal could be such an airhead!!! February 27, 2004 Today's stupid line of the DAY simply has to be ... Bo, to Nicole ... "Murder is illegal!" Dang, them Keystone Cops is smart! That Kate vs Sami story is so old and tired, it needs to be killed! Speaking of killings ... If Celeste has that powerful angel candle that can protect people, then why is she herself so scared of knowing who the killer is ...?! Today's SHIRTLESS ALERTS go to Lucas and also Sami's teddybear ... February 26, 2004 Jan would have left a trail of blood, leading from Shawn's room to the Kiriakis house! Poor thing - she hasn't perished from the stab wounds but she will surely meet her end from that INFECTION Nicole will have given her by using a needle that has not been properly sterilized ... Characters say "I know who the killer is" but don't tell anyone who it is, and then end up getting whacked ... PREDICTABLE and REDUNDANT! ... and how unlikely that Doug wouldn't confide in his lovely wife, who also happens to be his best friend! Why does Shawnboy act like Tek works for/reports to him????? By the by, those long dark hairs found in his bed could have been his, given how his bangs have been in dire need of a trim for quite some time! And does sweetheart Belle wish to become a musician? She seems to bring up SAX a great deal ... Meanwhile, Brady, who has much dialogue with John Black (who sounds more and more like Dynasty's Dex Dexter) has a SHIRTLESS ALERT for the entire episode ... Brrr! February 25, 2004 Brady, who gets today's SHIRTLESS ALERT, seems terribly flippant and light hearted about his "grandad"'s murder ...! She's big and she's noisy, so why hasn't nutball Marlena been caught or at least spotted by half the town as she stomps around, now not even bothering to don her freaky mask ...?! Another loooong night in Salem! (which means it will be Valentine's Day for the next year, which means that May in Salem is not going to happen until 2009!!!) February 24, 2004 In today's episode ... Living up to his name of Captain Underpants, Shawn hops about in his briefs with his SHIRTLESS ALERT, convinced that his dreams are reality but reality is his dream! Papa Bo, meanwhile, looks mighty concerned after a heart to heart with the lad ... Patrick and Brady also get a SHIRTLESS ALERT, while Nicole gets a fainting blonde alert ... Last but not least ... the serial killin' mama strikes again! February 23, 2004 In today's episode, the word KILLER is spoken a total of 37 times!!! Nothing like overkill! Speaking of this KILLER of a storyline ... Why don't the Keystone Cops place a guard at Vic's safe or, better yet, just blast the dang thing open! And why don't they figure into this comedy of an investigation that Nicole might have hired a hitman, given him/her a key to the house, blah blah blah ...! Belle to Shawn ... "I can't be intimate with a guy who accuses my mom of murder." She is one smart cookie! Cough cough! (and she hasn't even fainted or fallen into a hole yet!) Shawnboy, meanwhile, gets another SHIRTLESS ALERT (hence his new title of Captain Underpants) and Jan's bag lady alert continues ... February 20, 2004 Salem's Keystone Cops don't see Jan lurking at the window, hanging out the window, etc. Must be quite the union - perhaps they were all taking a break at the same time ...?! Since when was Lexie also the town coroner???! Meanwhile, Patrick gets a SHIRTLESS ALERT and so does Shawnboy (was it just me or did anyone else find the sight of Jan ripping at his clothes in her fast motion fantasy rather funny??) February 19, 2004 Shawn, me lad, Belle does indeed need your help - please help her remove that collar from her neck! No wonder she is so upset! If Jan is so rich, why does she look more and more like a bag lady ...?! The falling into holes phenomenen for Salem's blondes has passed - the latest trend is for Salem's blondes to FAINT! (yesterday Jennifer, today Marlena) No word yet on whether blonde highlights will make you fall into that category ... stay tuned! Jennifer, intelligent career woman with a child she is protective of, lets a strange looking stranger into her home ??? Who's writing this stuff??? Furthermore, the very two-dimensional Patrick's SHIRTLESS ALERT continues (bet he wishes he were back on the Y and R tending bar with his shirt on! Rumor has it that Nick Newman is no longer returning his calls ... Good heavens! That comment is the first ever DaysCafe soap crossover!) February 18, 2004 Diva Kate asks Phil to give her a moment alone and then she walks away from him! (uh, wouldn't that have been the other way around, wouldn't he have needed to walk away from her ...?!) With glamorous Maggie and Bonnie, her cheap replacement, in the same room together, it becomes painfully evident that the viewers have been grossly shortchanged with this swap! Instead of staying at his barely alive "grandad"'s side, Brady suddenly jumps up and proceeds to enthusiastically recite who may have wanted him dead ...! So intensely does he recite his recounting of the serial killer, Tony, etc., that Brady fails to notice how half dead Vic is trying to tell him something! Moments later, when the Greek tycoon takes his last breath, Brady then goes on to wonder why he stated Nicole's name before he died, having forgotten how Vic had told him to beware of Nicole, sleep with his eyes open, etc. Is he being written this way because he plans to join the Keystone Cops? Speaking of the Keystone Cops ... after deciding that t'was the serial killer who sent bloody roses to Tuscany, they take off with their booty, leaving Tuscany open for the suckers who chose to stay,with not a cop in sight!!! The most annoying Patrick made his grand entrance into Salem today, with a SHIRTLESS ALERT ... February 17, 2004 Lucas' SHIRTLESS ALERT continues, as does semi-dead Victor's ... and why oh why is Nicole still in that halter top in the middle of winter! And why did she and Jan - those Thelma and Louise wannabes - yell so loudly and why did the whole household not hear them! How nice of Celeste to announce to Hope that she has good news about her future but she does not see Bo in it! No wonder all her wigs go nuts ...! Thank you, Shannon, for writing the DaysCafe and saying you love the site ... Of course, complimenting the DaysCafe is not a logic blooper! ... but Shannon also complained of having Bo withdrawal symptoms. The logic blooper is that it was really not necessary for Bo to be M.I.A. all this time - Peter Reckell's plans to play in a film were put on hold, yet when he told the brass he'd be available all that time after all, to keep doing DAYS, they reportedly said no thanks and decided to have Bo gone for a spell anyway. Who knows why - perhaps to give Captain Underpants (aka Shawn) a chance to flex his heroic muscle around town ... February 16, 2004 There are now 2 teams in Salem - Team Killer (Marlena, Nicole, Jan) and Team Clueless (the rest of the town). Somewhere ... in between in nomansland ... we find Shawn - aka CAPTAIN UNDERPANTS - WHO HAS VOWED TO SAVE THE DAY AND BRING JUSTICE TO ALL! Much turmoil lies ahead for Captain Underpants, as his leading lady Belle has opted for an image change ... Now looking like Courtney Love, she vows revenge on the young superhero who stands in the way of her serial killin' mama! Will Captain Underpants prevail? Will Belle's lipstick shade get even darker? Stay tuned! Meanwhile, Brady's SHIRTLESS ALERT continues while Vic gets his first ever - perhaps a parting gift of sorts...??? February 13, 2004 Please tell me that it will not be Valentine's Day all week in Salem ...! Holy presidential wannabe! Vic's lawyer Gene looks like Wesley Clark's long lost twin! John tells Hope that he doesn't want anyone to know they are hot on the trail of the serial killer but they aren't anyway! Stay tuned for next week, when the Amazing Shawn will further demonstrate his psychic ability by reading the mind of his favorite hair extension ("Your head bobs too much, I'm outta here!") Meanwhile, Brady and Shawn both have a SHIRTLESS ALERT today ... |
| Logic BLOOPERS! |
 |
| The DAYS OF OUR LIVES Cafe Proudly Presents ... |
 |
| Keystone Cops |