| Over 1000 Logic BLOOPERS! |
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| Keystone Cops |
| No holds barred! For more fun, check out Lines the Viewers didn't get to hear ... |
| Monday April 4, 2005 And still the sun does not rise in Salem, Siberia ... Well, if Mimi is so worried about anyone knowing about her abortion, perhaps she shouldn't YELL ABOUT IT!!! Brady gets a SHIRTLESS ALERT, while John gets daytime's first ever INCREDIBLE HULK SHIRTLESS ALERT! Belle sets the stage for a mega-boring-who's-the-daddy snoozefest of a storyline by saying she doesn't want children before she finishes school, which could be 100 years if the writers have their way, given how she has not been to class for over a year and is not even registered at Salem U! NEXT ON DAYS Nicole starts Salem's first ever nudist corporation ... Shawn orders an anti-terrorist tricycle from Ebay to help him rescue Phil ... Friday April 1, 2005 Say! Where did the storm go???! Lucas gets today's SHIRTLESS ALERT. Equally worthy of mention is what is now apparent - that Lucas and Bo are the only two characters on the show who look good with facial hair! Lucas was shirtless, buff, and very Zoro today! (p.s. Roman would certainly wear a moustache well too!) What a mega-logic-blooper that Tony is without a love interest! And how unlikely, too! Please, can't somebody stop the incessant flashbacks and false cliffhangers between commercials?! And once again ... WHERE IS CELESTE! NEXT ON DAYS Lucas decides to let bygones be bygones and asks Sami's wedding dress to marry him anyway ... Thursday March 31, 2005 Lucas gets a SHIRTLESS ALERT Speaking of the lost lothario - who now sports a dapper moustache - that gigantic bowl of icecream he gave Will and the one he took for himself must have had 10,000 calories! Each "serving" looked more than enough - for an entire family! Isn't it amazing how the Black penthouse balcony door can be left wide open in the black spring night and not a single bug or bat flies in! Not only that, but nobody even thinks one will! Come to think of it, I do not believe there has ever been a bug sighting in all of Salem! NEXT ON DAYS Stan the chimney sweep dances while singing his favourite song - SUPERCALAFRAJALISTIKSEXPIALADOCIOUS ... Wednesday March 30, 2005 Roman and John get a SHIRTLESS ALERT And how many times do we have to sit thru that dang flashback of Stan remembering being Sami getting disguised as Stan??? Are we expecting a sudden influx of new viewers who don't have a clue?! And what is up with Stan's doll fetish?! Personally I fastforwarded John/Kate and Marlena/Roman today because their lovefest was contrived and unlikely ... I thought soaps sought supercouples, not anti-couples! NEXT ON DAYS Phil discovers he is really just there to test out Dr. Ho's latest electric massage gizmo ... Tuesday March 29, 2005 This night goes on and on and on and on - did I mention it goes on?! Why the heck does Jennifer - still in ratty bathrobe - offer to make folks coffee in the middle of the night?! It's not as if Billie isn't neurotic enough without caffeine! Parents chewing out their teenage and not so teenage kids and Hope now confides in Belle about her marriage ... so where's the story, huh guys?! Still waiting! And where did Celeste and everybody else go??? NEXT ON DAYS Chelsea starts following her shadow around town as well ... Monday March 28, 2005 Billie and Chelsea have the following in common - in addition to likely being mother/daughter - their storylines are both annoying and dull!!! (or maybe it's just them? They don't fit in or manage to keep up with the rest of the cast?) Ah yes! A Shawn and Belle dream - just what the viewers want! On a day when we are not inundated with flashbacks - fill in good air time with dreams! Zzzz! Jennifer was NEVER jealous of any kind of "relationship" Billie had with Jack, as is now claimed - gimme a break ... and get poor Jennifer out of the damn bathrobe already!! NEXT ON DAYS Bo starts a petition to get him a decent shirt ... Friday March 25, 2005 Looks like the wrong couples sure don't get the right ratings! (2.5 and now 2.6 ...) Oh no! Poor Jennifer has been put back in that ratty bathrobe! Meanwhile, Billie's big loud doll looks like a dead ringer for the old/former Abby! So, it took how many months for Roman to recall that castles sometimes have escape routes??? Is he trying out for the part of the village idiot now?! NEXT ON DAYS Roman asks Jack to punch him out as well, in the hopes that it might get him thinking again ... Thursday March 24, 2005 What is going on here? Billie gasps, yells, makes no sense, now trips over Patrick when he wants to chase after a bad guy????! She is supposed to be a trained cop/ISA agent? Not possible - either someone is smoking something or she is supposed to be an IMPOSTER! You read it here first! Wouldn't it be nice if Shawn were written a little more masculine than his sweetheart Belle! (i.e. he is not really written like much of a guy) Never mind John's drug and sweating problems ... How many days now has Kate been wearing that same top and jacket! Laundry anyone ...? NEXT ON DAYS Philip shows up on the shopping network, selling underwear ... Wednesday March 23, 2005 Come on now - Bo's son would not fall off a bike three times in a row! Who keeps trying to put a big L on poor Shawn's forehead! Those scratches painted on his face, by the by, made him look ready for a part in CATS ... Billie and Patrick are about as ISA and cop like as Mr. Bean! First they don't bother to check behind the crates in case the person who left the doll is lurking around, then it doesn't occur to either of them that in that doll there could easily be a bomb! Doh! The real bomb here is their utter cluelessness! Soviet Stan - aka the more more interesting Sami - has now become a human flashback! Let's see what's on the agenda here - ah yes, making Shawn an uncoordinated jobless shell, Bo and Hope might break up - yes sireee, let's see if we can get those ratings down to zero! And then, just to get them negative, throw in a half hour of Billie the clown! NEXT ON DAYS Soviet Stan makes his biggest windup doll - Billie - say "DiMera" in fifteen different languages ... Tuesday March 22, 2005 Annoying ratings killer Billie and equally annoying Mr. I-will-keep-Jen-away-from-Jack Patrick seem to be getting a great deal of empty airtime ... Say, why not put the two empties together and give them a life! Speaking of a life, it's nice that Shawn today states he needs one - now if only them there writers would listen! Where has the police station gone? Where is the ISA? Tuscany? Titan? Anywhere??? Tony seems to have been reduced to Bart's phone friend ... If one does not see the grand master in person OFTEN , one does not sense the danger either, people! NEXT ON DAYS Shawn rides his bike to another network ... Monday March 21, 2005 Long gone are the days when a love triangle is enough to keep anyone's interest for long ...And romantic flashbacks are sweet but not when they lead beloved characters to then kiss another! One wonders just who is on the drugs here! Billie reaches the epitome of her bubbleheadedness today when she tells Hope to go to hell, while standing in Hope's living room, living in her house, etc ... Billie really needs to get lost because she is insufferable to watch (2.5 ratings?) and also because poor Bo now has to stand around in bad shirts again, with Hope being reduced to a bitter extra! Stop the insanity! Put an end to this ratings death wish, I say! Never mind the head banging activity ... Jack's voice sounded ok enough for him to YELL! Hello! And why did Phil and Shawn in coffin remind me of that crazy dead woman Caroline from back in those wacky serial killer days? NEXT ON DAYS Roman admits he and doc have been in the back room of Speedy Muffler this whole time, hence his uniform ... Friday March 18, 2005 Yikes! Kate is slowly morphing into a goth queen right before our very eyes as daughter Billie becomes a hell's angel! Soap opera fans do not turn on the t.v. so they can watch soap opera major characters stand - or sit - around and talk about their children ... zzzzz (that was a reference to the Kate/Hope discussion and that muppet Billie and Bo's almost discussion ... it's only almost a discussion because Billie does not seem to have enough of an IQ to have a real convo with anybody!) If Pattycake - Patrick and his ratty beard - is not supposed to be evil, then he is nothing more than the Kaito Kailin of daytime! (i.e. house guest that never leaves) NEXT ON DAYS Patrick does an outdoor striptease to divert Jennifer, which only makes her want to run into the house even faster ... Thursday March 17, 2005 Madison the barbie warns Jack ... "Moo and you're a dead man!" How many bleedin' times is Soviet Stan gonna flashback to being Sami? It just succeeds in emphasizing that they even have a different body weight, different hands, etc ... The hands down winner in this contest, however, is Stan, whose quiet intensity is far superior to Sami's blubbering and hissing - Might a permanent exchange be in the works?! No wonder downtrodden Lucas hasn't bothered to wash his jeans for weeks now! NEXT ON DAYS Billie hugs her teddy bear and calls it Georgia ... Snivel snivel! Wednesday March 16, 2005 Bonnie - now looking like a communist cowgirl - even makes a mockery of the romantic DAYS classic song "Always" ... That is one painful character to watch - always! Meanwhile, Mickey looks like an undertaker and why shouldn't he - when Bonnie came along, it meant the death of any decent storyline for him - always! Poor guy's now an old lech in creepy suits ... How about that exciting romantic couple of Craig and Nancy ... we need them back for - always! Come on now! Intelligent reporter Jack would not have put down the gun and turned his back away from that barbie masquerading as Jennifer! NEXT ON DAYS Soviet Stan denounces John for his shirtless alerts ... Tuesday March 15, 2005 Billie accuses the DiMeras of trying to drive her crazy - no need for that, as she's been acting like some sorta crazed cottonball since coming back to Salem and you just know from the look on Bo's face that he sure thinks so! Bad enough that Sami has been reduced to ranting and hyperventilating again - but now we must go through it more than once in these miserable flashbacks! Poor Dan Wells - he woulda been better off playing the male alter ego of that Fake Jennifer! Speaking of the fake Jennifer, there's not much intelligence about her after all, given how she happily peels off the mask to reveal her real face to reporter Jack! Doh! Don't quit your day job, dahling! NEXT ON DAYS Soviet Stan - Sami's leftist alter ego - offers John a year's supply of natural cosmetics from the Volga if he agrees to become the spokeperson for the new improved Gorbachev shampoo to be launched on E-Bay in fifteen languages ... John, however, expresses more interest in acquiring a duty free vodka pipe! Monday March 14, 2005 So, now that Georgia is "alive", Bo is once more reduced to wearing crummy shirts - well, if that's what it means - that Bo's wardrobe must therefore wind up dead -, I'd rather she not be "alive" after all! Jennifer is so amazing at being eerie, it sure would have worked better to make her think she was the serial killer instead of Marlena! Good grief! That fake Jennifer and Jack must be hard on hearing, given that they failed to hear real Jennifer when she spoke loudly on her cell phone - in the next room!!! Kate has broken all of the ten commandments - some even twice - and she does not pray or go to church ... thus, it is rather unsettling and annoying to see her, in all her slithery dealings, now wearing a cross. Youhoooo! Has anyone seen Celeste????? NEXT ON DAYS The entire town of Salem is overrun by Jack Deveraux clones wearing bowler hats (like the final museum scene in the Thomas Crown Affair ...) Friday March 11, 2005 B stands for Billie BORING Bobbing head... Need I say more! It also stands for BOPE, who would do just fine and dandy with their own adventure! Jack and Belle get a SHIRTLESS ALERT (though Belle's is off camera) Bo is an intelligent cop who would surely question anything left on his doorstep by an unknown person! Phil must by now be wondering why his captors sometimes sound Australian, other times Swiss-German ...! Has the Croc Hunter joined a band of yodeling mercenaries? Stay tuned! So, unreliable Ricardo was hard to track down at the hospital - betcha if his name had been Rick or something anglo sounding, he wouldn't have been written as an unreliable character - for shame! NEXT ON DAYS Ricardo Montalban sues the show for misuse of his first name ... Shawn takes to writing penpal letters to the wives of some cons still locked in the slammer and Dog - of real life bounty huntin fame - suggests he get a life or else sue the writers who won't give him one cos he is headed on the wrong path ... Thursday March 10, 2005 Instead of slinking around and repeating herself, Jan really needs to get a job, hobby, start a business, etc ... No one is such a shell! John's SHIRTLESS ALERT continues as he gets nominated for the International Daytime Tarzan Award (just kidding!) How comes Shawn and Belle always walk around the same place - his apt, her apt - and they never even go somewhere together to talk, like for a walk, at a coffee shop, anywhere else! They not only have to talk in circles of late, the poor darlings must also walk round in circles! Ewww! Was Chelsea kissing Patrick even legal?!!! Billie tells the bartender she's not under the influence - Coulda fooled me! NEXT ON DAYS Chelsea drugs the entire town and asks Mickey to dirty dance with her ... Wednesday March 9, 2005 Poor John in bed with his SHIRTLESS ALERT, sweating so much that he would now need an IV to ensure he is not dehydrated! In addition, he is starting to morph into Grizzly Adams! Looks like Shawnboy and his cage have been replaced by John and his bed ... Both these actors are very good sports! Dear Bo and Billie ... You cannot do complete DNA testing from someone's hair ends - and what makes them assume it's even real hair?! What demographic is supposed to be interested in the storyline of a 15 or 16 year old drugging an older man and then dirty dancing with him?! Zzzz NEXT ON DAYS Dan Rather agrees to provide a lock of his hair for DNA testing, to prove he is not related to Stefano ... Tuesday March 8, 2005 John, still in bed, and Bo get today's SHIRTLESS ALERTS Muppet Billie poses up a storm in Bo and Hope's living room, whilst clad in her skimpy sleepwear and crying about ... you got it - Georgia Georgia Georgia! Blah blah blah! Other repeaters are Jan, Rex, Shawn, Belle, etc etc etc. Rumor has it that Soviet Stan plans to start the first U.S. branch of repeaters anonymous ... Either Jennifer keeps forgetting her lines and needing to look at the prompter or something is vewy vewy stwange ... Speaking of stwange ... that was soooo unlikely that Bo would have all but accused Hope of hoping that Georgia Georgia Georgia was dead dead dead... NEXT ON DAYS It is discovered that Jennifer is really Stefano with mega plastic surgery! Billie confesses she applied to be a Victoria's Secret model - and was rejected ... Soviet Stan - with his stash - catches a flight to Iowa, for what he refers to as a "business trip" ... Monday March 7, 2005 Ok, so Jason Cook, who plays Shawn Brady, got caught with a marijuana pipe. Sometimes in real life people do have real life problems and actors are real life people after all. Here's to hoping he gets the help he needs and perhaps the show can use this as a storyline in the future, instead of making Shawn stand around, asking Belle to email Phil ... John gets a SHIRTLESS ALERT Bart gets a mega INSUBORDINATION ALERT! Yikes! Nobody is supposed to question Master Tony! The beating of Phil is difficult to watch and certainly not entertainment ... NEXT ON DAYS Jennifer tells Jack that Alice is now in charge of the Salem P.D., the F.B.I., and the N.R.A. ... Friday March 4, 2005 Brrr! Chelsea, outdoors with her wintercoat open, doesn't seem to notice her semi-bare and exposed midriff? The name of the game is frostbite and even the belly button is not immune! He's been through the ringer but smilin' Jack's hair is as nicely blowdried as ever! (though we will give the show poetic licence with this one, as the hair - and Master Jack - did shine, as always!) No wonder Jan is so frustrated - those earrings of hers grow longer by the day! NEXT ON DAYS Jan's earrings turn into chandeliers ... Belle smacks Shawn for accidentally deleting her yahoo account ... Thursday March 3, 2005 Well, Chelsea is proving to be as annoying as Billie so she therefore must be daughter Georgia! Patrick, meanwhile, stole Rex's old undershirt and poor Jennifer still has that unpleasant purple blob (is it alive?) wrapped loosely round her neck ... Remember that ol song "Will it go round in circles ..." If not, no matter for it is now the theme of every single discussion Shawn and Belle have! As for those mercenaries or whatever they are supposed to be - they don't fight like mercenaries and they sound like prep school dudes playing paintball! NEXT ON DAYS Shawn threatens to spam the entire U.S. military ... Wednesday March 2, 2005 Oh brother! These depressing storylines are certainly going to prolong our February blues ... Billie's upper lip is considerably fatter in today's episode (the same night in Salem), which begs the question - who punched her while she was sitting all alone in Bo and Hope's livingroom?! That's right, Belle - go throw open the window at night and then stand there as the cold winter wind blows your way during flu season. Fear not - if the flu doesn't get you this time, one of the bats you have just let in surely will! How about that writing! Meanwhile, John and Bo get a SHIRTLESS ALERT NEXT ON DAYS Soviet Stan opens a Cold War donut shop ... Billie dons a wig and starts calling herself Hope ... Tuesday March 1, 2005 John, Shawn and Phil get today's SHIRTLESS ALERTS! Wow. Stan looks like a cross between Leonardo Dicaprio and a Soviet defector who just abandoned ship! Meanwhile, Phil's stuck on bandaid cos bandaid's stuck on him ... NEXT ON DAYS Phil hurts himself when some dry ice causes his contacts to dry out ... Monday February 28, 2005 John gets a SHIRTLESS ALERT but let the poor guy out of the bed already! Yikes! The Lorenzo Lamas Lookalike fascist guard from da castle has a twin - and he moonlights as a make up artist in Salem! Ok, so ... acting like a real guy is Sami disguised as a guy is an insult to the viewers' IQ, not to mention that the actor playing Sami has thinner hands and a thinner body than she does ... Talk about MEGA-BOGUS! Zzzz ... NEXT ON DAYS Billie announces she is really Stefano disguised as a female muppet ... Patrick states he is really Georgia on steroids ... Friday February 25, 2005 Tony's taunting and duping of Sami - for his own ends - is actually quite interesting ... Other than that, very little is new in Salem or elsewhere ... Bo and John get a SHIRTLESS ALERT Billie has now become a professional loiterer where Bo and Hope are concerned. It's a good thing Marlena has decided they have to do something, because all Roman - a cop - does is hang around, passively accepting his situation as a prisoner at da castle! NEXT ON DAYS Billie parachutes into Bo's living room ... Thursday February 24, 2005 Lucas, Brady, and Will look ready for an audition for "That 70s Show" ... Oh brother! Sami has reverted to being an angry teeniebopper. Only problem is this time around she's pushing 30! Meanwhile, John gets a SHIRTLESS ALERT Cut the teasing, guys! Give us a good Nancy/Craig story already! NEXT ON DAYS Nicole admits she is Dame Edna Jr ... Wednesday February 23, 2005 Kate's long sparkly necklaces how fallen down to her waist, where they now masquerade as a groovy disco fever belt ... John, however, is still unable to take her out to the disco, as he lies in bed writhing and sweating up a storm with his SHIRTLESS ALERT! Never mind Rambo Phil and his woes - Brady's career and his razor have both gone MIA and no one even cares! Today in Salem we have 4 Flashbacks, which begs the question - was it really still today or was it yesterday with part of tomorrow ... NEXT ON DAYS Sami goes to the mall and vows she will make all the shoppers pay too ... Tuesday February 22, 2005 Pattycake gets today's SHIRTLESS ALERT in Jack's daydream ... Oh no! Certain folks have forgotten to look at their calendars - it's February Sweeps time and the storylines are either same old same old, with Sami vs. Kate or so sloooow, one wishes one episode were 2 weeks in Salem instead of the other way around - and that's a fact! Jack's Captain warns him they might have to alter their course and go to South America - guess that must be the name of a port city, just like the town of Europe, from which Jack escaped! NEXT ON DAYS Billie decides to spend the day at the Harmony mall and their ratings tank too ... Monday February 21, 2005 Rambo Phil is ready to take on the world (though he's not exactly sure where it might be), posing defiantly in front of his styrofoam cave! Look out for falling dust, dude - messes the hair something wicked ... There are those who would say that a producer and a judge are indeed the same thing - and it comes very close to a God Complex! Meanwhile, Mickey is looking more and more like a character out of a Charles Dickens story and Jennifer's neck is a purple present ... NEXT ON DAYS Billie announces she's moving into the White House and if they don't take her there, she'll settle for Disneyland ... Friday February 18, 2005 It's all in the family today as Bo and Shawn get the SHIRTLESS ALERTS! Not wanting to be left out, Billie drops her own garments and makes ready to make daytime history with the first shirtless alert of a former wife and husband team! Willing or not - look out "Bow"... The nude muppet cometh! Phil has zero combat experience and he's just arrived so who's the dufus that thinks he is just right for his secret dangerous mission and when is there gonna be an inquiry! If it's possible, Kate is even more beautiful and elegant than Joan Collins was back in her Alexis on Dynasty days ... so she deserves a better storyline! Stop making her Sami's sidekick/thorn in side, etc ... !!! NEXT ON DAYS Phil tries to order a pizza but Shawn intercepts the call ... Thursday February 17, 2005 Very nice flower in Belle's hair and very nice summer dress - but it's supposed to be winter in Salem!! Jan looks ready to belt out a song from "Carmen" today! Meanwhile, Shawn gets a SHIRTLESS ALERT but would need a heroic moment alert mighty soon! Oh, come on! Eugenia is way too smart to blab everything like that to the bogus psychic who records everything by virtue of being a telephone psychic! So finally Sami realizes that the mysterious maid was Kate in granny glasses! When are she and Brandon gonna clue in to the fact that they were drugged! I mean, if I didn't know where I'd been and had a headache but couldn't remember how I got somewhere, it would not be too complex to think back to what I'd consumed and get that as well as myself over to a lab for testing! And they both used to work in a hospital, har har! NEXT ON DAYS Phil realizes he's really in a circus tent and his secret mission will be to bathe the elephants ... Wednesday February 16, 2005 Enough of Mickey's tawdry Three's Company escapades! These gals need to get it together, ditch the two timer and write a tell all book! Either that or make them join "Doormats Anonymous"! Puleease! Caveman John starts out with a SHIRTLESS ALERT and then transforms into Moses, with staff in hand,, as he shoots the breeze with emotional adviser/relationship guru Brady ... No wonder the dude wants to lose himself in drugs! NEXT ON DAYS Brady asks John to head up the "Where's Chloe?" Salem chapter, as he himself is too busy with the "I am the Clueless Offspring of an ISA Agent" support group ... John's hair attacks the doorman ... Tuesday February 15, 2005 Roman looks like he is wearing the outfit of a mechanic so why doesn't he just fix up a car so he and doc and drive da hell outta there! Oh oh - Tony pumping the scent of roses ONLY into Roman and Marlena's room? Could be noxious fumes/mind altering drugs as well but Roman and Marlena are more interested in chatting about who is gonna be their Valentine this year! Meanwhile, John gets a SHIRTLESS ALERT Hope has joined Jennifers's "Pijama Party" club, as she too now receives guests while in her bathrobe ... NEXT ON DAYS Billie's muppet head does a 360 degree turn but Bo still isn't interested ... Monday February 14, 2005 Happy Valentine's Day so where the heck was it!!!! Hmph! Keystone - I mean Salem's - Finest accuse John and Brady of disturbing the peace when they are all alone at the isolated pier! Ah yes, we mustn't disturb those slumbering fishies with all that yelling and noise! Shawn is supposed to be a leading man so is it not high time the writers gave him his very own slice of heroism??? Nagging Belle to email Philip does not take much courage so please give him something a tad more heroic! Lucas was smart enough to be Tony's right hand - he is surely smart enough to figure out that Kate had both motive and means to set Sami up! Meanwhile Brandon gets a SHIRTLESS ALERT as Rex looks more and more like a World War 2 pilot ... NEXT ON DAYS Mimi confesses to Rex that she once had to get a root canal but didn't tell him about it ... Friday February 11, 2005 Bo and Brandon get a bedtime SHIRTLESS ALERT It is unlikely that Brandon and Sami would wake up, see each other, and then pass out again - at the same time, no less! (unless, of course, they have developed a sudden allergy to one another) And how about Bo's hotline, which sounds like a FOGHORN! Billie remarks "It's cold" yet her top is about as skimpy and cccccold as a slip ... NEXT ON DAYS Billie accidentally shoots herself, arrests herself, then insists she call Bo ... Thursday February 10, 2005 Marlena in John's hallucination today really reminded me of the philadelphia cream cheese angel - as per the commercial! Poor Belle appears to have forgotten how to yahoo! Do you yahoo?! People have been writing in complaining about the repetition repetition repetition ... well, here's a fun activity for when that happens - just mute the tv and say the characters' lines without even reading their lips! Sami continues to sleep with the enemy as Brandon gets a SHIRTLESS ALERT and so does John (he gets a shirtless alert, that is, he doesn't sleep with the enemy ...) NEXT ON DAYS Belle asks Mimi to fix her email and discovers she has the "I Love You" virus ... Wednesday February 9, 2005 Scene 1 today looked like a scene from "The Mummy 3"!! Cover the eyes of your children so they don't have nightmares! What a bandagefest! It is now officially unofficial - A Team Kate is in the running to be the new Mr. T of daytime, with all those shiney chains so take that, "fool"! (no word yet on whether she'd also like to adopt his hairstyle) "ISA" Billie accepts a drink from a stranger in a bar!!! Time to kick her sorry behind right back to basic training or buy her a book - "ISA for Dummies" Meanwhile, comatose Brandon gets a SHIRTLESS ALERT NEXT ON DAYS Billie dirty dances with Uncle Jesse, who then suggests they go for a spin in the General Lee, which ends up being carjacked by Jack in bandana, desperate to get back to Jennifer in time to save her from those killer bangs ... Tuesday February 8, 2005 Poor jobless, characterless Lucas has been reduced to either Sami's sidekick or a mama's boy ... Not much has changed since that fearless foursome (Bo, Billie, Patty, Hope) went to Europe - beatnik bangs Jennifer is still receiving guests in her bathrobe! Billie, meanwhile, is dressed to go clubbing - in the tropics! Speaking of Billie ... when Jennifer asks her about them finding Georgia, she replies NO and then NODS!!! Hello! NEXT ON DAYS The doctor asks Brady if he would like to meet the whistling cleaning lady in addition to the singing patient ... Monday February 7, 2005 Confusion 101! Sami and Lucas live across the hall from each other but Lucas looks out the window at her apartment in today's episode! Why would Kate and Eugenia not have assumed there would be any security cameras at the hotel! Are they aspiring Keystone Cops perhaps ...? Rex and Brandon get today's SHIRTLESS ALERT Every minute of every day counts and yet if the flashbacks were deleted, the show would be half an hour long! NEXT ON DAYS Sami wakes up next to Heff and knows she must be having a night terror ... Friday February 4, 2005 Rex and Brandon get today's SHIRTLESS (and stupidity?) ALERT! Mimi and Rex's clock appears to indicate it's around midnight and yet Salemites are out and about in full force, working, trying to rush to the airport in time to end a marriage, lurking around a motel to poison another happy couple, etc etc etc - all without any yawns or circles under their eyes! These folks must be drinking enough coffee to keep a hundred coffee shops in business - and that's a fact! Eugenia, with her cute wardrobe and newly discovered knack to hack would really have this thing by now that's called a LIFE! Hello! NEXT ON DAYS Jan dresses up like Raggedy Ann and does a jig on Mimi's dining room table, later getting swatted by Shawn, who mistakes her for a smiling bug ... Ouch! Thursday February 3, 2005 Roman is street smart, Marlena is book smart yet poor Sami is neither - she must have been dropped on her head way back when! Now that would be a flashback worth seeing, unlike the looooong ones of late! Speaking of Sami, she is seeming more and more like Bonnie ... If Diva Kate really wanted Lucas to ditch his bride from hell, all she'd have to do is record one of their conversations! Lucas would be shocked to hear how his beloved speaks to his mama! The ISA is fictitious, as is the Salem P.D. (Keystone Cops). The Marines,on the other hand, are real and it's way not cool to make them look like thugs and losers! How bad is it? Well, it has occurred to me that it's not right and I'm not even American!!! P.S. If you have loved ones in the military - or you are in it - you can write a few lines in defense of U.S. military guys and I will post your comments on the site (please include your name, though only first names will be posted) Email: soapwriter2002@yahoo.com Meanwhile, Brandon gets today's SHIRTLESS ALERT NEXT ON DAYS Shawn and Belle race against time to prevent the space shuttle from taking off as well ... Wednesday February 2, 2005 Holy last blast! Salem airport looks suspiciously like Salem High! If Kate really had the hots for John, she wouldn't have hired that looker blonde nurse to take care of him when she's not around ... Today Patrick's hairdo is just like Martin Short's Ed Grimley character ... I must say! Rexy gets another SHIRTLESS ALERT (awww he must be feeling like such a boy toy by now) NEXT ON DAYS Eugenia hacks into NBC's "Days of Our Lives" website and re-writes Sami's history ... Tuesday February 1, 2005 This must be Rex's low IQ twin we are seeing. If not - yikes! As we stated back on our Floating Storylines page last summer, "Rex's brain power has floated away, never to be seen again!" What a pity. He is so good when a down to earth, energetic genius so what is up with this Rainman routine???? If the role don't fit, you must kick up s*it! Dear Bo and Billie, If you cannot locate your missing daughter and know not where in the world she is - there is this lovely helpful organization called Interpol ... Bo, Billie, Hope and Patrick head back to the inn because it's such a safe place ta be! Only every goon in town would know they're all there, for crying out loud! No wonder Count Tony keeps grinning - this is all too deliciously easy! NEXT ON DAYS Jan casts a spell and turns Shawn into a Ken doll ... Monday January 31, 2005 It's official - that there European village is actually a neighborhood in Salem, which is why Bo gives Mr and Mrs "Georgia" his card and tells them to contact him (Mr. Salem P.D.) if ever they need any help ... Crash course in Jurisdiction 101! Phew! Thank God almighty that girl wasn't Billie's kid and here's to hoping the wide eyed muppet (who appeared to be having a seizure today) NEVER finds the poor thing ... Run Georgia run! Celeste, with that "do" looks like a psychedelic 1960s barbie ... Groovy dahling! NEXT ON DAYS Billie reads about the recent power outage in Georgia and chokes ... Friday January 28, 2005 Ze Georgia and her parentz have ze French accents ... and Bo is too bloody smart to think it's automatically her or even for a mini-second buy the whole scenario! But, he (Bo) and Hope and Billie still get dressed like "Men in Black." Yikes! Does this mean the real Georgia will be a two headed alien?! This whole Shawn's memory and Jan stuff needs to end a tad faster - perhaps before Phil's second tour of of duty ...? Brrr! Kate is more interested in Billie having a lovelife than she is in the welfare of her grandaughter "Georgia", who may be in dire straits, abused, etc for all she knows! NEXT ON DAYS Jeb Bush denies that Georgia is in Florida ... Thursday January 27, 2005 Perhaps Eugenia was a travel agent but it could only have been prior to her most dishonorable hospital discharge and those travel passwords, codes, etc would have since been changed, particularly in this new age of security ... First it was Sami, now Mimi is the one with the nice unexplained tan on her face! Meanwhile, Sami looks like she has stolen one of Rex's good shirts to wear - ah, that explains his frequent shirtlessness! Speaking of shirtlessness, Shawnboy gets today's SHIRTLESS ALERT NEXT ON DAYS "Georgia" tries to divorce her crazy eyed birth mother, who insists her middle name is Atlanta ... Wednesday January 26, 2005 Brrr! It's freezing cold outside and yet when Eugenia opens the balcony door to slip out, Lucas does not even feel the cold draft that sweeps behind him! However, shortly afterwards, when Sami states to Lucas that they could have a daughter together, the brief, unintentional look of horror on his face is priceless! While holding Bo, the fascist Lorenzo Lamas lookalike guard states "This is my Hoffa"! (guess he meant "offer") The same guard has very slow reflexes as he just stands there once he has lost his weapon (the only one, I might add), waiting for Bo to knock him down, kick him when he's down, etc etc etc ... Meanwhile, John gets a SHIRTLESS ALERT and he is not alone with his headache, for Sami's ranting/yelling gives millions of viewers that same headache today - and that's a fact! NEXT ON DAYS Sami calls the Queen "stupid" for not forking over her pearls ... Tuesday January 25, 2005 Sami wants Marlena's pearls for good luck on her wedding day - well, given that poor Marlena was duped into believing herself a serial killer, wound up stranded, then very dead (as per the belief of Salemites), them there pearls sure didn't bring her a lot of luck! Sami needs to look up "good luck" in the dictionary! In those spike heels, Billie slips and slides along in the snow, even less ISA than before (if it's possible!) An ISA person she is definitely not so why not just give the gal a restaurant to manage or a boutique to run, to which she would surely be more suited ... And so the Lorenzo Lamas lookalike guard is not very armed, after all! Meanwhile, sweatmeister John gets a SHIRTLESS ALERT NEXT ON DAYS Billie notices that Bon Jovi used to have long hair and asks him if he might be Georgia ... Monday January 24, 2005 Phil, Rex, Shawn, and John are the possibly chilly recipients of today's SHIRTLESS ALERTS Father Jansen would not have taken Sami telling him of a crime (John stealing drugs from the hospital) so lightly, as it is in fact a crime he now knows about ... Nice tan Sami has on her cherubic face. Salem has been snowy and cold and the gal hasn't been on any ski trips! Perhaps she snuck out one afternoon when Lucas wasn't looking and headed south for a few hours, courtesy of that Basic Black spaceship ... oops, I mean jet! Maybe Kate and all her psychic necklaces can solve that one! This whole dang episode was like an intro - but we have all seen it/heard about it before! Memo to NBC: Soap opera viewers are not senile, thank you very much! Er, now I forgot what I was talking about ... Oh yeah, CBS or is that ABC or NRA ... whatever! NEXT ON DAYS Belle has a premonition of Philip being shipped overseas by fedex - without a tracking number ... Friday January 21, 2005 Anyone and everyone goes from Belle's apartment to Mimi's apartment and then back again, making the whole thing look like some sort of French bedroom comedy ... It's freezing cold out and yet Belle and shirtless Phil stand by the very large, very open window and no one in Salem has bothered to get a flu shot - oh oh! Sami really needs to join the local chapter of YELLERS Anonymous. Either that or the gal has a slight hearing problem that has not been diagnosed. Phil and John get today's SHIRTLESS ALERTS NEXT ON DAYS An influenza outbreak hits Salem! Phil gets "shipped out" by Fedex but no word yet on whether it's to be expedited ... Wednesday January 19, 2005 Not so godly Phil utters "a wedding before God" and "bastard" in the same sentence! Foxy Father Antonio would be appalled! Shawn tells Rex he doesn't have to feel he has to "stick around" when the dude is actually standing in the hallway of the building he lives in, har har! Mega-glam Maggie (who could do way better!) states that Mickey isn't a cheap, tawdry man. Ok, so where did that guy go??? Never mind flipping out over her Chloe sighting - nutty Nicole runs around in that slip like she thinks it's an item of clothing!!! If Phil or Belle state "I'm married" one more time, I'm gonna screeeeeam! Max sure looks like one smelly beast ... NEXT ON DAYS Thousands of DAYS viewers chip in to up the ante and pay Bonnie even more dough to ensure she gets lost! Tuesday January 18, 2005 Smilin' Jack has been washing sailor's shirts for so long now that he must be on dirty shirt number two thousand and fifty two ... Will his chaffed hands be able to hug the fair Jennifer when he lands home with all that clean laundry? Stay tuned! Tis a good thing Chloe is having reconstructive surgery, given how her scar (aka war paint) grows bigger by the day! Looks like her loverboy Brady - who gets a fantasy SHIRTLESS ALERT - is still wearing Shawnboy's stolen neon bandaid on his forehead. Rumor has it that the bandaid causes all those who sport it to suffer from acute soap opera cluelessness ... So, tough guy in t-shirt Phil wants to call the cops cos Shawn and Belle kissed - doh! Now there's a felony, huh! Only crime is really how long that triangle is dragging out! If Rex were truly committed to Mimi, he would not tell her off in front of the likes of Sami and Jan ... NEXT ON DAYS Nicole catches foot and mouth from that coat she's wearing ... Phil decides there's only one course of action to take and proceeds to moon all of Salem from the rooftop to a rousing chorus of "YMCA" a la Village People ... Monday January 17, 2005 Very unlikely that Marlena and Roman would be moping around da castle without a plan of action - so where is it????! Brrr! No socks on those delicate little feet, which means Belle would have 10 frostbitten little toes by now! It's not too late for Mimi to still be dressed and for Sami to drop by Belle's, yet a few miles away, John's clock is showing that it's 3:32 - and that's a fact! Plus, the fact that it's the camera clock would make the person controlling it want to have it as inconspicuous as possible ... Meanwhile, Phil gets a SHIRTLESS ALERT and Billie continues to be about as ISA as Miss Piggy from the Muppets. NEXT ON DAYS Bo and Billie's captors admit they're really just rehearsing a scene from "La Cage Aux Folles" for Theatre Bavaria, which as it turns out, gets most of its funding east of the Carpathians ... |