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| WARNING! APOLOGISTS BEWARE! YOU ARE NOW ENTERING A HIGHLY SARCASTIC, NO HOLDS BARRED PAGE! For more fun, check out LINES THE VIEWERS DIDN'T GET TO HEAR! September 28, 2004 If you are a Tony fan and you do not write the studio a letter that you want him around NOW, then that will be a logic blooper you will later regret and no, I did not pull that idea out of a hat ... Meanwhile, Hope, Lucas, Patrick and Rex get today's SHIRTLESS ALERTS Speaking of that alive then dead then alive again upstart Patrick, his beard appears to have made a comeback! NEXT ON DAYS Kate repeats last year's lines about how she hates Sami and Sami does the same ... NEXT ON NEW SALEM Hope goes in search of a bathtub ... September 27, 2004 Shawnboy was actually quite funny today and who can blame him for being annoyed at the imposter MATURE Belle he has now only just met ...?! Why does Dr. Lexie seem more interested in Shawnboy's lovelife than his medical condition - and why did she pretend Jennifer's baby was in jeopardy,huh?! Poor Hope. No one let her bathe and yet someone thought to smear more rouge on her tired cheeks. Billie, however, was freshly made up, ready to steal her man! NEXT ON DAYS Rex announces he will now state his opinion on children on a daily basis ... NEXT ON NEW SALEM Tony offers to let Hope use his shower facilities ... September 23, 2004 Tony gets a BUFF ALERT, a SLICK ALERT, a MYSTERIOUS ALERT and a THIS SHOW IS NOW BLOODY WORTH WATCHING ALERT!!! No wonder John's mouth was left hanging open when he finished one of his scenes ...! Meanwhile, Sami vows to defend Belle, her "little sister", who looks more like her "little aunt" these days! NEXT ON DAYS Belle admits she accidentally overdosed on SORAS pills (soap opera rapid aging syndrome) NEXT ON NEW SALEM Hope decks the wardrobe assistant who keeps spraying water on her tank top ... September 22, 2004 Once again ... what damn demographic is the Bonnie/Mickey freak show supposed to be attracting??? Oh oh! They put that Cousin It wig on Jennifer again! Oh goodie - Will playing cards and speaking his mind. Talk about excitement - NOT! Jan Billie Billie Jan Jan Billie Billie Jan Ratings Suicide ... NEXT ON DAYS Shawn looks up at Belle and then wonders if he's been in a coma for 20 years ... NEXT ON NEW SALEM Patrick shows up, claiming to be Elvis ... September 21, 2004 Now ya see it now ya don't! I am referring, of course, to Rex's intelligence - there were indeed glimpses when the professor offered him his new uni job but then he assumed Mimi was calling an abortion clinic to get Belle birth control info ...?! Speaking of foolish faux pas ... today Brady announces his Chinese food is HOT before it touches his lips, face, etc - and he was holding it in chopsticks, har har har! Jan is a cute looking actress who looks Shawnboy's age so why not just dump a blonde wig on the lass and make HER Belle??? NEXT ON DAYS Lexie announces she needs a brain donor for Shawnboy ... Belle replies she would gladly donate hers, if only she had one! NEXT ON NEW SALEM Hope announces that she considered Pattycake her best friend, even though he'd knocked her out a couple of times ... September 20, 2004 Who the heck were all those imposters at the hospital??? I thought I'd accidentally changed channels! Where was Lexie or anyone on staff who looked even remotely familiar! Speaking of Shawnboy ... now that he's outta that cage, all banged up as he may be, the brain surgeon who came up with the idea of alienating all the Shawn/Belle fans has now turned their attention to p*ssing off the Bo/Hope fans with the re-appearance of Billie, who by the way now looks younger than Belle (then again don't a lot of people?) Meanwhile, a most buff Bo gets a most lovely SHIRTLESS ALERT! NEXT ON DAYS Tammy Fay is cast as the new Abegail ... NEXT ON NEW SALEM Maggie finds a semi-conscious Patrick and roughs him up, demanding to know Tony's whereabouts ... September 17, 2004 He gets on that motorbike then it's .... GO GO POWER RANGER SHAWNBOY!!! First we have the tired and recycled Jan storyline, now Kate and Sami have to go back to the past and do all their battling all over again - i.e. to where no soap has gone before! Rerun Alert! But don't worry - it will all be resolved by the next Olympics ... Holy prop flop! Patrick's fake beard got washed off when he fell in the raging river (the whirlpool in Kenny C.'s backyard) but the cameras kept on rolling! The show must go on ...! NEXT ON DAYS Jan's doll backfists her ... NEXT ON NEW SALEM Patrick asks Moby Dick for directions to Niagara Falls ... September 16, 2004 Showerbound John (aka Dex Dexter) and frisky Phil are the fortunate - or is that unfortunate - recipients of today's SHIRTLESS ALERTS as Phil too is in need of a shower - a very cold one at that! Well, doesn't it just serve him right for trying to seduce a confused 35 year old virgin ...! Rumor has it that the Vatican is circulating a petition demanding that Jan get rid of her unapproved habit ... Rats! When is Pattycake finally gonna take a tumble?! NEXT ON DAYS John covers doc in Irish Spring (manly yes but she likes it too!) Shawnboy announces he too is now fastforwarding his Jan scenes - while they are being taped ... NEXT ON NEW SALEM Bo shoves Pattycake (Patrick) into an unmapped sandbox ... September 15, 2004 Phil, Brady and Rex get today's SHIRTLESS ALERTS whilst Phil gets a heavy breather alert. Speaking of the Mighty Marine, what does he do besides pant after Belle (literally!) and hang out pretending to be some dude on leave???! Phil still fares better than poor Shawnboy these days, who, as of today, has become no more than a jack'n the box! What was the point of his taped head funnily bobbing at Belle's window??? And where was the music to go with it ...? Looks like Phil and John were having a heavy breather contest today, but John and only John managed to swallow Marlena's face in a kiss! When he came back up for air, rumor has it a fly or two flew into his open mouth moments before he snapped it shut, snapping turtle style! NEXT ON DAYS Phil moons Jan, who turns into a frog ... NEXT ON NEW SALEM A strange buzzing noise is heard from John's throat ... September 14, 2004 Rex is very Archie Bunker as he hops around in his undershirt and unshaved look ... not a very good image for someone soon to be teaching at the university! Ah yes, Billie - yet another unliked character who will serve no purpose other than to annoy viewers and harm ratings, as Jan has already gotten a head start on ... why not bring in a third such annoying character (how about Hattie, as Princess Gina?) to finish off the whole dang show once and for all! And how many times are Bo, Billie, Patrick and Hope going to hang around those same five trees and two bushes!!! Meanwhile, Brady, who is suddenly ready and willing to move on, gets a SHIRTLESS ALERT NEXT ON DAYS Bonnie freezes herself into oblivion ... NEXT ON NEW SALEM Patrick announces he'd rather stay behind and trim the shrubs than look for Jack ... September 13, 2004 Scary stuff! When I close my eyes and Belle speaks, I hear the same voice as the Belle who got fired!!! Sigh sigh ... squeak squeak! Phil gets today's SHIRTLESS ALERT as he kisses Belle passionately. Moments later, Belle states she only thinks of him as a friend. Given his kissing technique, who can blame her?! Holy werewolf! Patrick's very hairy beard has really grown since the last episode, which presumably occurred ten seconds before today's! Continuity anyone ...? NEXT ON DAYS Jan lends Shawnboy her nun getup so he runs away to join a convent, where he hopes and prays for a better storyline ... NEXT ON NEW SALEM John tries to imitate Tony's profound zen chant and causes a stampede ... September 10, 2004 When is this painful Jan storyline finally gonna get GONGED???! The island adventure is a blast but the mastermind really ought to have been shown to impatient viewers by now. I personally know a former DAYS fan who has given up due to the slow speed of things being (or rather not being) resolved ... If you speed it up, they will come ...! Gee, if Sami marries Lucas, is he always going to be that angry/abrasive? Better off single, in that case! NEXT ON DAYS Jan dresses up as the Pope and has dinner at the Penthouse Grill with Shawnboy on a leash but nobody notices anything unusual and Belle wonders where the boy wonder is whilst munching on snails with a heavily breathing uniformed Philip, who is wearing the uniform of a World War 2 pilot, as his regular stolen uniform is at the cleaners ... NEXT ON NEW SALEM Patrick asks Hope how to spell the word RAVINE ... September 9, 2004 Shawnboy is deaf and blind today when he does not realize that tis Jan driving him ... Good grief! What writer has a ratings deathwish here! Meanwhile, Phil gets a SHIRTLESS ALERT as well as a hanger-on alert! Go Tony go! Pity his sidekick didn't push Patrick right off the show! Looks like the pub must have soundproof walls in New Salem, given that Caroline didn't hear any plane or plane crash or explosion! Yikes! What was she drinking in that pub anyhow and can I get me some! NEXT ON DAYS Jan auditions for Sister Act III but loses ... NEXT ON NEW SALEM Tony makes a peace pipe for the gang to smoke ... September 8, 2004 ToDAY ... Marlena opts to inject Roman with an unknown substance, Roman barks and barks and barks but then wakes up, Shawnboy hobbles his way over to the lodge, where NewNewBelle starts to sound just like that Fired NewBelle! Meanwhile, Patrick and his painted torso get a SHIRTLESS ALERT and so does frisky Phil, who also holds that bottle in a most unusual place today, making it look like something else, ahem ... NEXT ON DAYS Nicole dons a Chloe wig and attempts to serenade Brady ... NEXT ON SALEM ISLAND Jennifer announces she is only waking up after Patrick gets lost once and for all! September 7, 2004 Tis wonderful that Rex was offered a job at the university but oughtn't he have asked WHAT he would be doing before he accepted ...? Sexy Rexy, by the by, also gets a DEMI-SHIRTLESS ALERT (demi is French for "half", as the fellow was only half shirtless due to that blanket!) They're slick and they're quick ... so why did John and Bo discover the island is "New Salem" spelled backwards only because of an accidental reflection! The viewers knew well enough to spell the name backwards even before they knew it - and that's a fact! NEXT ON DAYS Rex finds out he'll be a bus boy at Salem U cafeteria ... NEXT ON SALEM ISLAND Tony throws his vitamin supply at Marlena ... September 6, 2004 Shawnboy and Patrick get today's SHIRTLESS ALERT ... Jan, that flying nun from hell - needs to fly off into the blue yonder once and for all, to stop making viewers use that much dreaded F word - yes, I refer to FASTFORWARD! Well, we all know by now that Chloe didn't perish and speaking of duping the viewers with more near death situations - Roman and Jennifer will be fine too. Crikey! How many times do some of these good folks have to die??? NEXT ON DAYS The Salem P.D. (Keystone Cops) are all ordered to take a crash course in Pig Latin. They then proceed to re-write all of Salem's laws in said language ... NEXT ON SALEM ISLAND Hope admits the presence of Patrick makes her want to pass out too ... Long John Silver is revealed as the Mastermind! September 3, 2004 SHIRTLESS Patrick delivers Jannifer's babe, which means that Jack and Jennifer fans have been majorly robbed! Pattycake the midwife gets today's SHIRTLESS ALERT, by the by ... Run Shawnboy run! To the hospital, to have your wound taken care of, to the police station to report how you've been caged by Jan - or to another network where they just might write you a REAL storyline! Of course the lad does none of the above, opting instead to lie down and wait for Jan to recapture him as this mega-snoozefest of a plot drags on and on and on and on and on ... (did I mention it drags on?) NewNew Belle (and no I will not call her "nu" as in French that means nude!) has an interesting look about her, but has started to become a tad too whiney ... NEXT ON DAYS Philip admits he never really knew Chloe because he was a different guy then anyhow ... NEXT ON SALEM ISLAND Maggie offers a reward for Tony ... September 2, 2004 Rex and Phil get today's SHIRTLESS ALERT. Moments later ... Phil calls Shawn a loser. Uh, no Phil, a loser would be a wannabe man in uniform who spends his life on a leave of absence and then boasts he is getting another one so what the heck, might as well try to get a virgin to tag along ...! Poor sweet long suffering Doug gets a CLUELESS ALERT! The effect of Celeste seeing Abe as he traipsed thru the jungle was outstanding - her overdone cleavage, however, was a pointless effect. Besides, Diva Celeste has more finesse than that, dahling! Nicole - aka Big Bird - is just too mean to even watch anymore. Either get rid of her or pair her with a villain, puleeeease! Bring back the interesting, upscale Wesleys, I say - and get rid of Bonnie and company! NEXT ON DAYS Brady gets out a map so he can find out once and for all where the heck Vienna is anyway ... NEXT ON SALEM ISLE Tony smashes Doug's favorite scooter and leaves him in tears ... September 1, 2004 Lucas and Shawnboy still have a SHIRTLESS ALERT ... Moments later, poor wounded Shawnboy finds out it's tougher to fill macho dad Bo's shoes than he thought when he hops on the tough guy bike and can't even start the dang thang! Wow. Kate sure likes to take care of business - first she makes ready to jump John's bones, corporate style, then having to settle for a potential catfight with Sami! HISS! Congrats to Marlena, whose locked lips with Roman make him gasp and wonder if his next breath will be his last! Now THAT'S power! NEXT ON DAYS Phil challenges Rex to a game of marbles, winner takes all ... Shawnboy rides for hours on his motorbike, eventually arriving at the Republican National Convention, where he demands to use the can ... NEXT ON SALEM ISLAND The gang have karaoke night around a campfire, with Abe and Roman belting out their own version of "Hey Jude", which they re-name "Hey Doc" ... August 31, 2004 The SHIRTLESS ALERTS of Lucas, Shawnboy and Patrick continue ... Sami gets a CUTE ALERT because when that girl is happy, she is just the cutest thing! Meanwhile, John continues to perform mouth-to-mouth on a suddenly virginal Kate as Phil's hormones rage outta control! NEXT ON DAYS Belle decides to run a background check on Phil, who seems to be stalking her up close and personal ... NEXT ON SALEM ISLAND Abe proceeds to jump over trees, announcing he has just landed a role in the "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon" sequel, to be named "Crouching Horton, Hidden DiMera, befuddled Brady, Cool Calm and Collected Carver"! August 30, 2004 Today's SHIRTLESS ALERTS go to Phil, Shawnboy the caged wonder, Lucas, and Patrick - aka Pattycake - that lovable Lockhart whose very presence makes Jennifer wanna die ...! Meanwhile ... Grease is the word is the word that you heard! With that hairdo he is sporting, John Black - a very cool and buff dude - looks ready to step into the role of Danny in "Grease". That must mean Marlena will play Sandy. Will Roman reprise the role played by Lorenzo Lamas? Stay tuned! Phil tells Belle she is his mystery woman - of course she's a mystery woman! She has now been three different people in only a matter of days! (Salem days, that is) NEXT ON DAYS Shawn decides the best way to escape from Jan is to pee on her ... NEXT ON SALEM ISLE Marlena tells Roman he was a better kisser when he WAS dead! August 24, 2004 Looks like only 1 second or 1 minute an hour or at most 10 hrs will have passed in Salem and Salem Island when we pick up where we left off ... TWO WEEKS AGO! The brass continue to insist this is a love story ... Thus far we have been treated to months of bludgeoning murders, then the dead being buried alive, now the undead risking their lives on an island they cannot get off - yup, just your typical modern day romance , huh ...! One wonders how the creators behind this storyline "celebrate" Valentine's Day - shudder shudder!! So, apparently Chloe and Brady DO NOT have any scenes together in the near future ... oh boy! There's gonna be some mad cheated BROE fans out there! August 13, 2004 Ok, so where was the big bang? More like a tap! Well, the previews did look promising, I must say ... Back to business - Patrick, Brady and John get SHIRTLESS ALERTS Gee, if he's still such a scientific genius, who doesn't boy wonder Rex - who still needs a shave - get real proactive and get himself a scientific job or scientific grant or scientific scholarship to grad school or something! Maybe after August 30, Jennifer will have huffed and puffed with enough power to blow Patrick right off the damn island! NEXT ON DAYS Kate accuses John of trying to suffocate her with his mouth ... NEXT ON SALEM ISLAND Darth Vader shows up and demands his force field back ... P.S. To the people who keep writing me and asking who this new Belle is - please check out the casting page ("Who's In, Who's Out", link on main page) August 12, 2004 Hey! Jack had better show up PRONTO to deliver his baby before viewers pelt that shirtless wannabe midwife Patrick with coconuts! Hey hey ho ho! That Jan filler story has got to go! Hey hey ho ho! Elfman on steroids Patrick and long suffering Shawnboy and Pervert Phil get today's SHIRTLESS ALERTS NEXT ON DAYS Shawnboy perfects his act and swallows the bar from his cage, after lighting it on fire (we all knew it was just a piece of wood anyhow!) NEXT ON SALEM ISLAND The gang throw peanuts in the water, to see if they can cause a ripple. Moby Dick briefly appears and spits the magic coin back at them ... August 11, 2004 Where oh where is Jack Indy Jones? We have been robbed!!! So ... nobody in all of Salem notices Jan running around in her very shiney Catwoman costume?! It's not even Halloween, for crying out loud! Meanwhile, Captain Underpants (aka Shawnboy) continues to have the looooongest SHIRTLESS ALERT in daytime history, whilst Rex and Pervert Phil also get a SHIRTLESS ALERT. NEXT ON DAYS Phil moons Jan and she gets it on tape ... NEXT ON SALEM ISLAND Marlena gives Doug a dose of viagara and he collapses ... August 10, 2004 ToDAY ... Rex and Phil get a SHIRTLESS ALERT, in addition to a MACHO IDIOT ALERT! Lucas gets a SHIRTLESS ALERT! Patrick plays Spiderman ... Hope is clearly dehydrated but DOCTOR Marlena doesn't even notice! New new Belle is a winner but her nickname sure isn't - NUBELLE Why, you wonder? NU in French means NUDE! And that's a fact! NEXT ON DAYS Phil gives Belle his baseball card collection ... NEXT ON SALEM ISLAND Patrick dresses up as Jack so Jennifer will go with him but it doesn't work so he morphs into a pterodactyl and flies away ... August 9, 2004 Shawnboy's SHIRTLESS ALERT continues ... Come to think of it, without that filler cage storyline, the show would be ... 30 minutes long or so?! Also, he never would have believed/said that he had lost Belle forever, which begs the question - just who is this imposter! Is it not amazing how Nicole and Brady can merely turn on a computer and, as Nicole still poses in her leopard nightie, the pair manage to write an entire business plan, without a single report, file, book, printout in sight! Rumor has it even Donald Trump himself was amazed, though it's not likely he would hire either of them! Enough of the teasers - show us DiMera Mansion on Salem Island already! NEXT ON DAYS Brady writes Nicole's name on his underwear ... NEXT ON SALEM ISLAND Roman is caught picking pockets at Salem Place ... August 6, 2004 Where has Sassy Cassie gone??? Shawnboy's SHIRTLESS ALERT continues as does his overdone captivity, which is a real shame. The lad does look quite a bit like Tom Cruise and would surely serve as a younger crowd magnet if only the gals could see him thru those bars and bangs ...! Kate tells Rex she is so happy to have a relationship with him BUT SHE DOESN'T! Ever since finding out he was her son, she has barely spent more than 15 minutes in his company - mostly from accidental meetings! Fear not - that Belle with the very large floppy hands and confused look and squeaky voice will be gone by the 10th, which doth beg the question - if they knew she would be a temp, why was she given so much air time or why was she permitted to squeak ... I mean speak! Meanwhile, Nicole continues to strut about town in her leopard nightgown and would somebody pulease take that childish blue barrette off Lexie's presumably intelligent head ...! NEXT ON DAYS Jan's shoe rings with a call from Captain Underpants (Shawnboy the caged wonder) ... NEXT ON SALEM ISLAND Doug cries when Tony breaks his nintendo game ... August 5, 2004 Today Shawnboy gets a SHIRTLESS ALERT but why does Rex not hear his voice thru the transmitter when it is so majorly audible ...? Meanwhile, Belle continues to squeak and Bonnie and Mickey prove that just about anyone anywhere in this big ol' world can act idiotic ... Maggie should count her blessings - he's not really Mickey anyhow!!! NEXT ON DAYS Jan announces she is the daughter of James Bond ... NEXT ON SALEM ISLAND Maggie gets back at Mickey and his maid by doing the lambada with Mr. Rourke ... August 4, 2004 Poor Shawnboy's SHIRTLESS ALERT continues as the poor guy stands around in his cage wearing diapers and his bangs grow down to his knees ... Meanwhile, at the Penthouse Grill, Kate shows up wearing a dress that looks like it must be from Bonnie's wardrobe and Belle squeaks up a storm! Not one to be outdone in inappropriateness, Rex insists on ambling around with that rather unpleasant stubble on his jaw, as though to prove that he does indeed consider himself a Brady. NEXT ON DAYS Belle tries to hug Phil again but misses and ends up hugging the maitre'd instead ... NEXT ON SALEM ISLAND Caroline and Maggie fight over who gets the worm at the bottom of the tequila bottle ... August 3, 2004 Not only is he the magic man with the chocolate dollar but ... here comes Patrick Lockheart, Mercenary Midwife in training! John Black's ISA password has all of 4 characters!!! (lemme guess - 1,2,3,4?) Meanwhile, back at the loft, Phil once more proves that not all men in uniform are created equal ...! NEXT ON DAYS Kate admits she makes her own clothes from stolen Tuscany tablecloths ... NEXT ON SALEM ISLAND Cassie admits she is the redhead twin of Paris Hilton ... August 2, 2004 The Days Cafe denounces violence against women and therefore denounces Patrick for punching out Hope for the second time, in addition to denouncing the moron who came up with the idea, which will serve only to LOSE female viewers ... Patrick needs to go, as does the person who keeps insisting female characters need to be punched out by the men. This person does not want the show to prosper, in my opinion, and is deliberately setting out to HURT the ratings ... On a lighter note ... Lucas gets a SHIRTLESS ALERT, wannabe tough guy Phil once more gets dressed up in somebody's uniform, only to have difficulty opening the door at Belle's loft when he wants to leave, Jennifer's ledge gets much smaller by the middle of today's episode, and, from the looks of those flowers, Mickey must have lifted them from some unsuspecting dead person's grave ...! (then again, would Bonnie deserve any better?) NEXT ON DAYS The current of the river washes Patrick on the shores of Harmony, where a band of witches await to take turns punching him in the jaw ... NEXT ON SALEM ISLAND Jack and Jennifer admit they've been scouting out the area in the hopes of opening a new Club Med ... July 30, 2004 Shawnboy, Elf-man on Steroids (Patrick) and Brady get today's SHIRTLESS ALERTS Speaking of Brady, he and Nicole have so little energy together that they almost are not! Ratings are not particularly healthy at the moment as the Jan with caged Shawnboy, Jan with Belle, Belle whining to Phil, and Brady/Nicole storylines get a lot of airtime, so ... when oh when is somebody gonna do the math??? Plus, there are too many Lockhearts running around! Geesh! Lucas and Sami bicker even when there is a marriage proposal involved! NEXT ON DAYS Nicole repeats last month's lines until someone tells her to shutup already ... NEXT ON SALEM ISLAND Hope challenges Patrick to a rock climbing contest ... July 29, 2004 ToDAY ... Bo decides to meet in secret with Celeste, John and Lexie so he calls a conference outside at Salem Place??? He woulda known better than that! At the meeting of the unlikely, Celeste is appropriately dessed in a summer dress, while John still sports that heavy tweed jacket! Elementary, my dear wardrobe! Doh! How many months did it take Roman to come up with a plan to build that SOS device? Come on, writers - let them do their cop thang instead of having them revert to their ol Keystone ways! NEXT ON DAYS Philip makes the startling discovery that his fingerprints are on his shoes ... NEXT ON SALEM ISLAND Roman suggests the gang build an ark with two animals of each species and it starts to rain ... Doug goes native, announces he is Tarzan, and swings back to his secret jungle retreat, where he's been hiding all this time ... July 28, 2004 The young actress playing Jan is gorgeous and talented so when is the poor girl gonna get a storyline that goes somewhere ...? OK, back to business ... Shawnboy gets a SHIRTLESS ALERT as does Patrick. Speaking of Patrick (aka the Elf-man on steroids), his pants were almost down to his ... And just why did he have his shirt off in the jungle anyhow? Hope was clearly not impressed! In addition, the bright boy claims Hope looks like she needs water and then gives her exactly one small DROP from a leaf, thinking that'll help. Remind me to never get stuck in the desert with this guy! Poor Doug. He has gone M.I.A. and no one on Salem Island seems to care! NEXT ON DAYS Belle admits she has no idea what she's doing ... NEXT ON SALEM ISLAND Jack sees Patrick coming and suggests he and Jennifer jump in the river ... John shows up and admits he is really Paul McCartney's long lost brother ... July 27, 2004 Brady and Shawnboy's SHIRTLESS ALERTS drag on ... But when oh when will the wardrobe department get a decent enough pair of spectacles to finally see once and for all that Sami does not look good in sleeveless dresses!!!!! What is up with Celeste's here today gone tomorrow psychicness ...? From the sounds of it over on Salem Isle, someone got some sort of discount on an Amazon Rainforest soundtrack! Monkeys, birds, you name it - they all screeched up a storm at the same time! NEXT ON DAYS Shawn bathes again ... NEXT ON SALEM ISLAND Victor and Caroline go skinny dipping ... July 26, 2004 Shawnboy and Brady get today's SHIRTLESS ALERTS. Speaking of bright boy Brady, someone needs to fill in the lad that Phil and Bo are not his brothers, as he tells Chloe on the phone! Brady's grandpa is Victor Kiriakis, who is the father of the two other fellas! Today in real Salem, Nicole parades around in a bikini outdoors as Shawn Sr and John race around in winter clothes! Meanwhile, on Salem Isle, the Hawaiian shirts are really starting to wear thin! Speaking of Salem Isle ... when are these Keystone Cops gonna figure out that all they'd have to do is stay up all night and wait and watch whoever replenishes the food supplies! D-oh! NEXT ON DAYS Sami sues John for the bad weather they've been having ... NEXT ON SALEM ISLAND Patrick offers to play Larry on Vic and Caroline's "Three's Company" show as Marlena continues to fight for the role of Chrissy Snow, her main competitor being a suddenly svelte Hattie ... July 23, 2004 ToDAY ... Elf-man Patrick acts so patronizing toward supercop Hope that one wishes she would just kick his rude a** once and for all! Tek keeps telling Bo Hope must have kicked the bucket with about as much compassion as a komodo dragon and then asks how he can help ... With friends like that, who the heck needs enemies! As Shawnboy's SHIRTLESS ALERT drags on and on and on ... Jan sports a very Ruth Buzzi hairdo - Last but not least, Sami hyperventilates up a storm and Belle squeaks herself into oblivion, ending up at a pitch so high not even she can hear herself! NEXT ON DAYS John tells Sami to back off and get her own teddy bear ... NEXT ON SALEM ISLAND Jack falls in the river and wakes up in someone's computer faster than he can say LOUSY GRAPHICS!!! July 22, 2004 Shawnboy's caged SHIRTLESS ALERT continues, though why, we will never know! Meanwhile, Patrick continues to act like a questionable big elf and the Salem Island gang stand around, suddenly remembering details they had not yet remembered or discussed, which begs the question - just what the heck have they been talking about these past several months! NEXT ON DAYS Jan announces she plans to prove that she can smile just as wide as Julia Roberts ... Julia Roberts turns off her t.v. set ... John pays a visit to Graceland, in an attempt to exhume Elvis ... NEXT ON SALEM ISLAND Abe announces the entire town of Salem is built over an ancient civilization called DiMera Empire and Roman wonders what it all means ... Mr. Fuzzy Bear (aka Stefano) kidnaps Raggedy Anne, announcing that she is his latest queen of the night ... July 21, 2004 Shawnboy gets today's SHIRTLESS ALERT. Meanwhile ... Nicole has to contend with a very strange white growth on her jacket that looks like it is a cross between an ostrich feather and something from the bottom of the sea! Holy presidential flop! Wesley Clark (aka Gene Briscoe) is back in action at Titan, where the Operahouse soap opera continues! NEXT ON DAYS Brady, corporate giant, announces his latest plans to write Chloe a letter every day - on different stationary ... NEXT ON SALEM ISLAND Victor kisses Roman so he won't feel left out ... July 20, 2004 Lucas gets today's SHIRTLESS ALERT and also a major BUFF ALERT! What is that great big chip on Patrick's shoulder ...? Diva Kate is pretty smart so why didn't she put Will's cookies in a BOX if she wanted them to be sent to him? (the poor kid woulda gotten a bag full of crumbs by the time the stuff reached him!) NEXT ON DAYS Don Ho claims to have kidnapped Doug, whom he is holding in an exact replica of Jan's cage and Doug's bangs start to grow out of control ... NEXT ON SALEM ISLAND Darth Vader shows up and admits he has masterminded the whole plot, in an attempt to crossover to daytime ... July 19, 2004 Holy wrong season! In today's epi, John Black is wearing a thick tweed jacket covered by a heavy trench coat - in the middle of summer??? Seconds later, Grandpa Shawn shows up in his own winter coat! Meanwhile, Lucas and Phil get today's SHIRTLESS ALERT and yes, that is a new Belle, who does look like she could be Marlena's daughter ... NEXT ON DAYS Sami bakes Lucas a chile cake ... NEXT ON SALEM ISLAND Patrick - aka the human bubblegum machine - offers the gang free passes to Paradise Island in Disneyworld - all except Don Ho, that is, who cries foul and then refuses to let Patrick have a Hawaiian shirt ... July 16, 2004 Today was the last episode with the current Belle, which means it's the last time I will ever be able to say "meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" Dang, that felt good! Back to serious matters - even though it was her last day, Belle still managed to outdits anyone in Salem by once more skipping to her door, closing it and sighing, but not bothering to lock it. Come to think of it, Mr. I.S.A. Marine wannabe Philip didn't think to lock it either - and this is the future of Salem??? Rex and Shawnboy's SHIRTLESS ALERT continues, and ol' gals gone wild Bonnie and Julie get yet another CHOKING ALERT! NEXT ON DAYS Shawnboy realizes he is really just a contestant on "Fear Factor" ... NEXT ON SALEM ISLAND Roman smacks Patrick in the head and quarters pour out of his ears, after which time it is discovered that the lad was really just a bubblegum machine masquerading as a human ... July 15, 2004 No wonder poor Hope is so shocked - from the time she climbs out of the water to the time she walks over to the Brady pub on Salem Island (a few minutes) ... her long hair has managed to miraculously dry! Diva Kate has certainly lost a lot of her street smarts - today she opens her door without even bothering to look/ask who's there! Meanwhile, Tek and Rex's SHIRTLESS ALERT continues and Rex looks ready to laugh at Mean Girl Mimi and Belle from Hell Jan as they sputter on ... NEXT ON DAYS John is suspicious of his toast ... NEXT ON SALEM ISLAND Bored already, Hope goes looking for Tony ... July 14, 2004 Tsk tsk! Where was buff Bo's life vest! Meanwhile ... Rex, Tek and Brady get a SHIRTLESS ALERT ... Someone get a fly swatter and swat that miniature Nicole once and for all - one is surely bad enough! What is up with Jan's voice - she now sounds like the BELLE FROM HELL ...! Yikes! Looks like Mimi is following in mama Bonnie's footsteps, grabbing people by the throat! NEXT ON DAYS John asks Kate to define "thinking" so he can get started ... NEXT ON SALEM ISLAND Patrick finally pulls the bathtub plug and Hope suggests he go down the drain! July 13, 2004 Tek really had that coming not only for not being as technical as his name suggests, but also for major insubordination ... Go Bo! This dude gets a COOL ALERT today - he walks the walk and talks the talk big time! Meanwhile, Rex and Lucas get a SHIRTLESS ALERT ... Speaking of Lucas, now that he and Sami are together again, might they finally be the recipients of some NEW MATERIAL??? Before the next Olympics I mean? (i.e. 2008!) NEXT ON DAYS Bo sucker punches Tek's computer ... July 12, 2004 What makes bright boy Patrick think that his rickety little plane can fly around U.S. airspace undetected these days???! Why doesn't he look up "homeland security" in someone's dictionary! Speaking of Patrick's excellent adventure ... Given that in a matter of minutes he can fly so close to the Caribbean in that ol' World War II style plane, that must mean that Salem, U.S.A. has moved and is now a suburb of Miami, Florida! Meanwhile... Lucas gets today's SHIRTLESS and BUFF ALERT! NEXT ON DAYS Tek hacks into his own p.c. ... Patrick summons his magic carpet ... NEXT ON SALEM ISLAND Jack re-activates the force field to keep Patrick and his magic carpet off the island ... July 9, 2004 Jack saving Jennifer was sweet but the mega-boring stuff was rampant today as Jan continues to annoy, Nicole and Crystal whine, Belle and Sami whine whilst eating icecream and Brady continues to wonder what the hell is going on ...! Sami and Lucas' present storyline (or lack thereof!) is more lackluster than poor Philip's life - and that's a fact! NEXT ON DAYS Jack gets wind of all the boring goings on back in Salem and wonders if there was even any point climbing back up the cliff ... NEXT ON SALEM ISLAND The local flora and fauna are given lines, to compensate for the fact that viewers do not get to see enough of the regular gang ... July 8, 2004 Poor Bo, having to oversee the Keystone Cops that sounded their very loud sirens to let Lockheart and his plane know they were coming! Wouldn't blame the dude if he blew off the Salem P.D. yet again ... (provided, of course, that there is no hunt for Vinnie Ramsel in the works - yikes!) And poor Belle - not only has she literally lost Shawnboy, but that had to be the worst throw in television history! So, is Jack and Jennifer's cliff going to fall apart, piece by piece for the next month??? Nicole used to run Titan, so where or where did her brainpower go?! NEXT ON DAYS Belle throws cotton candy at Philip to protest something, she just isn't sure what ... NEXT ON SALEM ISLAND Jack and Jennifer fall from the cliff, only to discover that it was 3 feet high ... July 7, 2004 Ouch! Shirtless Shawnboy's pants are so mega-tight, the lad might very well cease to breathe altogether! Dead or alive, he still gets another SHIRTLESS ALERT ... In today's episode, Crystal has on a pair of disco fever sparkling pants ... Rumor has it she assumed John Black was Denny Terrio - until he decked her, that is! That catty comment was for the "I remember the 1970s" crowd, the following catty comment, however, is for the "I don't remember the 70s, nor would I even want to" crowd ... Today Belle actually spoke the D word - DAMN! Might Miss Goodie-two-shoes Sailor Moon be headed for a much needed image change? Will Shawnboy even notice thru those bangs ...? Stay tuned! This show is definitely going places - now if only the leading men WOULD STOP PUNCHING OUT THE ACTRESSES! CRIKEY! NEXT ON DAYS John gets dressed in drag and punches himself out ... July 6, 2004 Someone is going to get stuck! Yikes! How does Diva Celeste get thru doors with a hat as wide as a flying saucer ...?! Come on now! He's cool and he's presumably trained better than a spy, so why would John Black rely on a dolt like Earl for installing anything? The man-who-would-be-an-agent could have snuck in himself and installed the chip to see and hear all chez Nicole - and that's a fact! Geez, I thought Nicole's strut was bad enough, but Crystal parades around like a stork training for the runway - even when alone! (ok, actually it is at times a graceful walk ... like a flamingo!) That is definitely classic Jack and Jennifer stuff we saw today - now if only it were real! Sure would be nice to see Tony and the rest of the Salem Island gang again! NEXT ON DAYS Hope smacks Patrick in the head for getting physical with her (i.e. knocking her out) and I cheer! NEXT ON SALEM ISLAND Don Ho shows up at the cliff and offers Jack a rope made of all his favorite Hawaiian shirts ... Doug arrives in time to protest ... July 5, 2004 Patrick was a pretty good cop/secret agent today - now if he would just get rid of that bubble gum machine pirate coin and stop talking about it ...! Yowza! Bo is looking younger by the day and now doesn't look like he could be Shawnboy's pop! Speaking of Shawnboy, he gets another SHIRTLESS ALERT today as the strain of being locked in a cage gets physical for the lad, given how he now holds his confused head in a perpetual tilt ...! Tek has a very Keystone moment today (see above picture!) when he bursts into Bo's office and announces he knows where Patrick and Hope are and they should go get the bad dude - all this said with Bonnie - the dude's mother - sitting not a foot away from Tek, who should be put right back in the computer room ...! NEXT ON DAYS The Salem P.D. invite Celeste to set up her Crystal ball at the station ... NEXT ON SALEM ISLAND Jack must decide what means more to him - his cool new hat or Jennifer ... June 30, 2004 Shawnboy gets today's SHIRTLESS ALERT ... But wait! We are receiving confirmed reports that ... Captain Underpants is now officially daytime's first human shirtless alert! Rumor has it that Brady is peeved and is threatening to tape the rest of the season buck naked in protest ... Nicole has already bought a new camera. Stay tuned! She's smart and she came prepared for any eventuality with her cell phone, etc, so why was Jennifer wearing such uncomfortable/wobbly/flimsy shoes ...?! We are receiving emails about Shawnboy and how he managed to get his pants off for the shower a little while ago, given that he was cuffed ... Rumor has it that the lad heard the new Belle was not yet on set and then decided to slap the cuffs right back on, complaining that old Belle hugged too many cast members and might therefore give him some germs ... (just kidding, dahlings!) NEXT ON DAYS Patrick beats up a local kid for his lucky penny ... Bonnie tries to sell the kid ... NEXT ON SALEM ISLAND Jack and Jennifer take a bungee jump together, to celebrate their reunion ... June 29, 2004 Right on Bo! The dude is not only cool but today he was no Keystone Cop - he knew something was not quite right with Patrick (now if Mickey would only see the same about mama Bonnie, who also looks like she could be Mickey's grand-daughter! Gross!) Brady and Shawnboy get today's SHIRTLESS ALERTS ... So much talk of Jennifer, yet she was not shown in the entire episode! Yikes! What shampoo does that blonde use?! Belle's hair grew over 20 inches in less than 24 hours! June 28, 2004 When is this Bonnie and Mickey freak show going to end ...? It's not exactly a ratings magnet - I mean, what damn demographic would like their bizarre filler "storyline"? No one young, old, rich, poor or even human for that matter! According to the very slow speed that rickety little ol' plane was going, it would have crashed somewhere around Salem University's football field - oops, I forgot, there is no Salem University anymore! It's a jungle out there but Marlena always wears her fanciest earrings on Salem Island! Today must have been national cell phone day, as Brady, John, Jennifer, Hope and Rex all made use of modern telecommunications ... Rumor has it a dozen wireless companies are already competing for the advertising rights to future DAYS! NEXT ON DAYS Mickey overdoses on viagara ... NEXT ON SALEM ISLAND Jack morphs into Harrison Ford and Maggie is intrigued ... June 25, 2004 Why would John, upstanding citizen and family man, arrange to meet Porno Crystal and her stork walk at Alice's, where half of Salem would see them together????? Not very clever in the sneaky department, are we! Patrick, dahling, one cannot stop an airplane by hanging onto the wing like a flailing fly! By the by, all that wind must certainly have blown the fella's lucky chocolate dollar right out of his pocket, or wherever else he may have hidden it ... Meanwhile, back at the hodown ... Rex takes his lack of genius to an even lower level when he compliments Bonnie on being so smart! There is hope, however, for the lad does look ready to burst out laughing every time he must get thru a scene with Salem's worst old gal gone wild. Perhaps all is not lost! NEXT ON DAYS Michael More exposes the fact that Salem's temperature is never stated in Farenheit ... John arranges to secretly meet More at Bonnie's hodown, to give him the lodown ... More is a no-show ... Patrick jumps on top of the space shuttle ... NEXT ON TEMPTATION ISLAND Maggie asks Tony if she can see his tiger scars again ... June 24, 2004 In today's episode ... Celeste - the diva who would be a psychic - all but admits her powers are long gone when she claims there ain't nothing more effective than a google search or a contact to help you out if you are looking for someone's secrets! Miss Chleo, meanwhile, was heard laughing her head off across the miles, eventually catching her breath to give Celeste a bit of psychic advice - "Call me now for your free readin'!"... Yikes! Abe and Roman were talking just like thugs today! Patrick - aka Kaito Kailin - proves what a thief he really is today, not only by trying to take away Jack's beloved Jennifer, but also by showing up in an undershirt he must have lifted from Rex ...! NEXT ON DAYS Bonnie decides to become a financial advisor, in addition to moonlighting as Salem's resident Dr. Phil ... Celeste does a google search of herself and comes across the Days Cafe Logic Bloopers page ... NEXT ON TEMPTATION ISLAND Rip Van Jack runs into Dr. Ruth and keeps on running ... June 23, 2004 Ho ho ho! The Christmas lights outside what used to be Tuscany are still on the trees! Kate proudly takes a call from "the Madrid Office" of Basic Black at approximately 9 p.m. Salem time, which means it would be anywhere from 3 to 5 a.m. in the Madrid office! SWEATSHOP!!!!! Bright boy Patrick fills in cop Hope that, believe it or not, some people prey on grieving widows and then goes on to make a wish with his magic coin ... NEXT ON DAYS Patrick makes Hope pull over so he can climb his beanstalk at long last ... Hope agrees to oblige, but only if he promises to never come back! June 22, 2004 SALEM ISLAND ROCKS! ROLLS! ROCKS! 'NUFF SAID! In Real Salem, however ... Those "Old Girls Gone Wild" Bonnie and Julie are at it again, this time making their third sequel a la country as Rex smiles on in his undershirt and Boss Hogg (aka Mickey) insists Maggie woulda loved for him to have such a rip roaring good time! Hah! Not so fast, oh man-who-would-be-Mickey ... Maggie (aka "Red") has had a character transformation. No more little Miss Victim! Matter of fact, it's only a matter of DAYS till the fiery redhead storms back into town and boxes his old fool ears! So there! (of course, we mean Salem days, which could take a year or two ...) NEXT ON DAYS Rumsfeld announces Bonnie is a threat to national security ... Mimi wonders what national security means ... June 21, 2004 What a pity ... Hope today was inducted into the KEYSTONE COPS when the writers made her get a good tip on how to find Shawnboy - from bubblehead Belle! Ouch! Seems the girl without a clue (Belle) advised police trained Hope to put the missing lad's photo on t.v. and Hope agreed, later deciding that her next clue would be found in the stuffed animal department so she proceeded to buy up teddy bears to make herself feel better ...! Not one to be outdone, Tek proves he is unable to live up to his name today when he confesses to NOT having dug up any details on Kaito Kailin (aka Patrick) after extensively surfing the net, hacking, programming, etc. as a TEK would do ... Meanwhile, the buffoonery continues at that blasted Bonnie's hokey Hodown, where good sport Lucas has to get thru the day wearing a cowboy hat so oversized for him that one wonders how he can even see where he's going ... Then again, would he really want to?! Rumor has it the characters left in Bonnie and Jan's version of Salem have all put in for a transfer to Salem Island - pronto! (even the writers are believed to have made the same request, in addition to the crew!) June 18, 2004 Patrick gets today's SHIRTLESS ALERT and Rex and Phil get an undershirt alert ... Speaking of Patrick (aka Kaito Kailin), why does he keep sneaking up behind Jennifer like that when he knows she has a high risk pregnancy??? And speaking of dumb and dumber ... Rex the "genius" is worried he won't even be able to remember the drink recipes he has learned! How the mighty have fallen! Bonnie's hodown looked like the Dukes of Hazzard meets the Rocky Horror Picture Show ... Are the viewers being punished????? NEXT ON DAYS Belle has a slumber party ... Rex strips down to his undies and opens an icecream stand ... June 17, 2004 In today's episode ... Bonnie and Jan continue to kill the show with their annoying airtime, Jennifer attempts to drive off to see Jack while in her pijamas but then gasps, and Kaito Kailin (Patrick) confesses that he really has nothing to confess ... Meanwhile, Shawnboy, Phil and Lucas get a SHIRTLESS ALERT and Lucas gets a BUFF ALERT! MORE SALEM ISLAND, PLEASE!!!!! NEXT ON DAYS Jennifer gasps when her bunny slippers show up on Jack's side of the closet and Patrick admits he is a waste of space ... June 16, 2004 Rex, Phil and Shawnboy get today's SHIRTLESS ALERTS as Rex decides to get confrontational, Brady style, Phil and Belle continue to play house, and Shawn finally gets to take a leak!!! Bonnie and Mickey, meanwhile, prove that their pairing is just a lot of bull as the mechanical bull they are riding is even rumored to have complained about their airtime ... Interestingly, Phil announces taking a leave from the base but he's never there in the first place! NEXT ON DAYS Phil makes Belle a cup of tea and suggests that they repeat everything they said the day before yesterday as Jennifer takes to spamming everyone she knows ... NEXT ON TEMPTATION ISLAND Doug confesses to beating up Don Ho and swiping yet another Hawaiian shirt ... June 15, 2004 Jennifer's house guest Patrick - aka the Kaito Kailin of Daytime - now sports a bandaid so bright that viewers need sunglasses just to look at the fella's forhead!! Meanwhile, back at the ranch ... that House of Kiriakis ... Dirk Diggler - aka Brady Black - continues to have serious conversations whilst running around in his trunks with his SHIRTLESS ALERT as he claims to take care of Titan business, without a single paper/file/document in sight! And where the heck did Henderson go??? NEXT ON DAYS Double dingbats Sami and Belle compare corporate notes about lip gloss ... NEXT ON SALEM ISLAND Doug announces he is really just a misunderstood mermaid but Roman has his doubts ... |
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